no originality left

A Journey to Forgiveness

2011-10-31T11:56:00.003-04:00

Two weeks ago, my husband and I checked 12-year-old Ellie out of school, left work, and started an 8-hour drive to Virginia. We have been preparing for this trip for the past year, ever since my ex-husband filed a petition with the court for custody. He didn't do it because I am an unfit mother, but because we took a job in a different state and he didn't like it. Now $10,000 of legal fees and countless hours of emotional distress later, the case is over. Custody was NOT transferred and he was found guilty of failure to pay child support. Again.
I want to talk about forgiveness. I haven't yet fully forgiven him, but I plan to. I am hoping it will be sooner rather than later.
Forgiveness is tough. Trying to teach your 12-year old to forgive her father in the midst of a custody battle is nearly impossible. I don't know how to start. How do you explain something like that? She knows way too much about the situation as it is. Some of that is my fault and most isn't, but that's our truth right now. She loves both her parents and she wants to obey the commandment to honor us, but she is angry and hurt. How can I teach her to honor her dad when I have lost all respect for him?
She and I are close. We are close like any mother and daughter become when they have been on their own for several years. Close because we have both been heartbroken and tossed aside. When you are a single mom, you lean more on your kids than you should. I was no exception. This closeness means that whether I like it or not, when I hurt, she hurts. And like any mother, when she hurts, I get angry. Angry and protective and fierce. And when that hurt comes from the one person who should protect her, no matter what, I get more angry and hurt. And I haven't forgiven him yet. How do I help her forgive when I can't myself?
I forgave him already for a bunch of other stuff. Stuff from years and years ago. That stuff doesn't matter anymore. It's easy to forgive because it is over and my heart has had years to mend. And back then, I didn't think I could forgive him either.
So I WILL forgive and more likely than not, Ellie will forgive him first and teach me the way. Because children often are better at forgiveness. And because, no matter what, we have all been asked to forgive.
Do any of you have advice for me?

Hope or Faith or Maybe Both!

2011-10-17T14:51:00.000-04:00

Faith. It's just a little word. It's definition is "a hope in things which are not seen, which are true." My husband and I have had an unspoken motto for the last couple years: "if you don't have the faith yet, just hope and the faith will come." Today my heart is feeling it more tenderly than most. A few months ago our family went through an unusual experience. I didn't post about it at the time because it was too fresh and too private and too tender.

My husband has an old high school acquaintance who was planning to give up a baby. We first learned of the situation through a very close friend. The mother-to-be was in a bad way. She was addicted to drugs and in prison. My husband and I started talking about the possibility of adopting this baby. At the time, I was in the middle of a round of fertility treatments. It was taking it's toll on us both. We have always said that if the treatments don't work, then we would pursue adoption. This seemed just the push we needed.

The timing was all wrong. The situation was not ideal. Nothing was logical, but we agreed that if it was in our power, we would take in this child. We sent a letter to the mother, but it went unanswered. After a few weeks of fasting and praying, we were notified by our friend that there would be no adoption. The mother was keeping the baby with the help of a friend. But the hearts of my family were forever changed. We really opened ourselves to the idea of adoption and I can't shake the feeling that someday this is going to be the best option for our family.

I am terrified, but mostly, I have faith. It will probably be a long journey, but I am ready for it. Or at least, I hope I am.

Perspective

2011-10-10T12:49:00.003-04:00

One of the reasons I enjoy reading family history stories is the immediate change in perspective it gives me for my own life. I get to see the beginnings and the endings for their adventures. I like that. It reminds me that our situations are always temporary.

Like many families, we have our daily and weekly struggles that take up so much of our time and energy that we forget the more lasting blessings in our life. I have a favorite quote: "Never create a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

Here is an example from my own life of when I DIDN'T follow this advice (Oh, I have a million of these!)

When I was a college student, I got married and very happily became pregnant soon after. I was elated and very focused on becoming a mother. I was already enrolled in my final semester at James Madison University. I was a psychology major, interested in family counseling. Within a few weeks of starting the semester, I became very sick with my pregnancy. I was unable to keep any food or drink down and I was passing out every time I vomited (sorry for the graphic imagery). It made it impossible for me to attend class and I had to take a medical withdrawal. That would have been fine if I would have simply enrolled for the next semester and finished with my giant belly. Instead, I was worrying about our family's immediate finances. In order to make more money, I took a job as a check-out girl at a grocery store and just accepted the fact that I wouldn't be able to finish my degree. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom anyway, and my mom and married sisters (at the time)didn't have to work, so I would be fine. I put our immediate needs ahead of my long-term goals and aspirations. Now, eventually I did go back and get my degree, but I spent so many years regretting and suffering for the delay. Why did I see things so differently then? Shouldn't I have known the benefits of my finishing early would have far outweighed the temporary need for extra income?

We see things from such a limited perspective. The problems of this week or this month are like huge buildings blocking our view as we try to navigate through city streets. It is so easy to get disoriented and lost this way. If we pull out from the street view and click on the bird's-eye view instead, then we can clearly see the direction we need to go. Those tall buildings become little landmarks and we can see where the street will open up again.

Even looking at other people's lives, it is much easier to see the path they should choose than it is for them to know to choose it. They are blinded by their close perspective. We can help ourselves and others so much by talking about our challenges with people who have a clearer view. Our parents, our siblings, those who love us...especially our Heavenly Father. They can help us more than we can help ourselves because their view is less obstructed by our immediate needs and problems.

It isn't lack of wisdom that causes mistakes, it is lack of perspective.

Has this happened to you? Do you have mistakes that just seem obvious now even though you were trying to do the right thing at the time? How have you been able to change your perspective?

2011-10-07T10:14:00.002-04:00

It's official! The business that Paul and J started is finally off the ground. Today actually marks 2 weeks since they started working. I am so proud of them! We named the company August Chapman Group after many days of discussing. We made a list of our top 20 names and then we narrowed them down 1 on 1 like a sports bracket. When it came to the final 3, we decided to combine 2 of them. What do you think of the name?

Momma's grin

2011-09-29T22:15:00.000-04:00

I look like my mom...This picture is actually taken from the webcam on my work computer. I have a picture somewhere of my mom taken when I was in high school and she has this EXACT same expression on her face. The cheesy grin with the raised eyebrows is so HER! Ha ha...I miss her face!! I am glad the holidays are getting close. I feel myself getting more sentimental every day. I never thought I would be so sappy. Sheesh. Is it just me? I used to worry that I would turn into my mom...now I worry that I won't turn out that well. What are your thoughts? How has your relationship with your parents changed as you've gotten older?

sock bun success!!

2011-09-29T17:57:00.000-04:00

I wanted to try this new hairstyle on Elle-belle...The Sock Bun! It's super cute and makes her hair look SO thick! Do you love it? I got the idea on someone's blog, but after spending about 45 minutes looking through my regular blogs and their blog links trying to give credit where credit was due, I realized that this isn't exactly a copyrighted idea...there were a billion results when I googled it. So, my bad, I can't find the post that provided my inspiration.

This one was a cakewalk and the results were stellar! Have you tried any new hairdo's lately? Do share! :)

Grandma's Birthday

2011-09-28T11:40:00.007-04:00

Today would have been my Grandmother's 106th birthday...I can't believe she has been gone that long! She died when I was 17. She was a very interesting lady. She lived with us for 5 years after my grandpa died and it was quite an experience. Our house had been pretty full, but my 2 oldest sisters were in college and my oldest brother was getting ready to graduate so we turned Mom's office into a bedroom for her and she lived off the den right by the front porch.

She would just sit on the porch when the weather was good. Her health was poor and she was already just a little touched in the head. She never cut her hair and she wore it in an old danish style with two long braids wrapped around the top in a ring. She stopped putting it up after a couple of years and she would just wear 2 long braids. My friends thought she was American Indian.

She didn't refrain from expressing her opinions. My dad was an only child and we were her only grandchildren (7 of us). Kim was her favorite and I was her second favorite and she really disliked Candi. Sometimes Rachel would make a dessert and become the 2nd favorite over me, but only for a little while. It was not good, but we were her only family. At the time, we just all said she was crazy and maybe that's all it was.

When her health deteriorated even more, we had to place her in a nearby nursing home. She wasn't there long before she passed away...only a few months, I believe. Those were hard days for my Dad. He visited her every day on his way home from work. He's like that. I hope I am just like him one day.
Grandma made life hard on my mom. She never thought my mom was good enough for my dad. She criticized her an awful lot. My mom is an incredibly selfless woman. She is brilliant and witty and kind and didn't deserve to be disrespected, but she NEVER complained about it. I didn't realize how much of a sacrifice those years must've been for her.

I look forward to getting to know my Grandmother in the next life. She had a hard life and I know that she will be different person now that she is away from all her mortal cares. Even though people have problems, you still love them and value your relationships with them. She was always good to me.

"Before" pictures...AKA: My house now

2011-09-26T15:16:00.006-04:00

I just know I will lose these pictures if I don't post them now! I have a lot of aspirations to renovate this house, but most of the projects can't be started yet for various reasons, so here is what the house will look like for a while. I do like the clock that Paul hung on the wall between the dining room and living room. We found it on clearance at Target a few weeks ago. Also, the gun in the photo is a replica of a civil war gun. Totally harmless, in case you were wondering. :)

I really want to paint the brick on this fireplace and replace the wooden blinds with roman shades.

Our furniture is hodgepodge...it's comfy, though!! What I WANT is a cool patterned armchair and a big L-couch...someday!!

Paul and I can't agree on whether crown molding would work on the vaulted ceiling..I say "yes!" We also need to paint all the wooden baseboards and windowsills white. One project that may happen soon is to paint the tv wall a nice beachy blue color. I have picked the exact shade out already!

I remember how excited I was when I first bought this couch 10 years ago. Sigh. It's seen better days!

Can you see how the chair railing in the dining room stops where the laminate floor transitions to carpet? I don't like that. I also don't like laminate floor or carpet! I want stone and hardwood. I am gonna save my pennies.

This room would look snazzy with some 2-tone paint colors! There is also a horrible border that needs to go...I didn't get it in the shot but it's awful. The kitchen is awful. The cabinets wouldn't be bad with a coat of paint, but the counters need replacing and we need to install a backsplash. I really like having projects on the horizon...wish the horizon was a leetle bit closer, though!

This is the hallway from the living room to the bedrooms. The wooden doors are very cozy, but outdated and it makes it really dark.

The bathroom is basic. It just needs new sink hardware, a new mirror, painted vanity, and a hanging cabinet with some colors and accessories... it probably will be my cheapest project!

I love that they built this bookcase into the living room. It just needs to be painted and some nice molding to make it perfect.

Mantel accessories...I have some ideas...I love Steinmart's homegoods section...I will do this last just in case I change my color scheme or something...

Ellie's room looks about the same...except she now has a doggie crate in there with her!

Her books and accessories.

TV Wall Mount

2011-09-26T14:18:00.007-04:00

Paul has been working on getting our TV mounted to the wall. First he installed surround sound and added the higher outlets. He has mad electrician skills for a layman.

He figured out the cheapest way to mount it. It still cost about $50 for all the brackets and hardware. First he went to Home Depot...they don't have a good hardware selection so he had to go to Lowe's instead.

He bought 4 metal brackets and attached 2 to the television (it had the holes already in place) and then we measured EXACTLY to put the other 2 on the wall. The ones of the TV just rested on the ones on the wall and we put little bolts to hold them together.

The hardest part was getting everything plugged in properly while holding the heavy TV.

We also repurposed my dining buffet into a TV stand. We pulled the fronts of the drawers off and reattached them with hinges. I lined it with some pretty japanese paper and VOILA! Isn't it pretty?

I inherited this from my parents and love how it's now a focal piece in my living room! Isn't my hubby handy?

The Fallacy of Self-esteem

2011-09-23T13:34:00.004-04:00

When I was in middle school, we had assemblies on "creating good self-esteem". We would get worksheets where we listed what we liked about ourselves. They would send us home with handouts for the parents that listed things to say to your children like "You're terrific!" and "Great job!". It was all an effort to make us feel good about ourselves. Despite these assemblies and handouts, I had peers committing suicide, getting pregnant in high school, and abusing drugs. I remember talking to my mom about having low self-esteem and she SHOCKED me by basically saying that self-esteem wasn't important...She said that as far as she could tell, it was CONTRARY to God's plan that we have good self-esteem.

She didn't mean we shouldn't love ourselves or anything like that. I have thought about this a lot and she was SO RIGHT! Christ teaches us that the first commandment is to love God and the second is to love our fellow man. Never does he mention self-esteem except to say that we should love others as ourselves. Oh how tricky is Satan and his philosophies of men. While we were all trying to develop good self-esteem, we were neglecting higher priorities like service to others and obedience to God's commandments. Things that naturally lead to good self-esteem...because we then understand that we are God's children and that we can do all things in Christ. We were being taught that self-esteem can be created through pretty words and that EVERYONE was "thumb-body". Everyone is valued, but we need to live our lives with PURPOSE. We have work to do. And that work will bring value and confidence to ourselves and our children.

Now that my daughter is in middle school, I find myself worrying about her self-esteem...but I shouldn't. I should worry about how she esteems God and others. If she esteems them as high or higher than herself, she will NATURALLY have good self-esteem. She will know that she is a daughter of God and she will work hard because of the love she feels for Him and her fellow man. And it won't matter that someone in class teased her or she doesn't have the right shoes or the designer blue jeans.

What do you think? Does self-esteem seem contrary to happiness?

I just found this very interesting post on a similar train of thought here. Interestingly, it was written about a week after I first penned my post...Great minds think alike. Ha ha. J/K. That was just my narcissism talking from all those years of self-esteem training.

humor and heartbreak

2011-09-22T13:58:00.002-04:00

No matter what other people might think, I believe that I was once funny. My peers used to think so, long ago when I lived in my "life will end up as a fairy-tale" bubble. Mine was the sharp-witted, sarcastic kind of funny. Lately, however, that humor just falls flat with me. Perhaps it is age, perhaps the recession, perhaps my divorces, or my inferility, but whichever of these caused it, it comes down to being broken-hearted. Not like the 16-year-old girl who is dumped by her boyfriend kind, but the soul-wrenching, "how-is-this-my-life??" kind. This broken-heartedness has created a rift between myself and someone that I REALLY, REALLY loved. My old self. I just don't like that girl that I used to be very much anymore. And she would NEVER get me. We are barely on speaking terms these days. I rarely can read my old journals and am so IRRITATED with the banality of my old self when I do. And not just my 7th grade self either. My self. My husband has a phrase he uses whenever I start talking like this. He simply says "you are a Cosgriff" and lets it go at that. He is referring to what he has labelled "an inferiority complex". This is his way of getting out of a conversation like this:

Me: "Honey, I have no friends."
Paul: "ugh...here we go again!"
Me: "I am serious, no one likes me."
Paul: "...says the girl who just got invited to dinner with friends last week."
Me: "They were just being nice. They don't really like me"
Paul: "You are SUCH a Cosgriff."

He will then roll his eyes and play with Walter, our psychologically-perfect puppy.

But, I really do regularly feel this way. And my husband is right. (A very common and annoying habit of his). It isn't that people don't like me, it's that I can't imagine them liking me. And I am getting on my own nerves with it. So I am breaking up with my past self. No more journal-reading and introspective trips down memory lane!! I am done with psychoanalyzing my life.

Bad things have happened. I have some empathy now. I feel bad for people and I know they are most likely doing the best they can. I don't want to make them feel stupid anymore. And thus, I don't know how to be funny anymore. I really wasn't that funny to begin with.

Has your sense of humor or lack thereof changed with age like mine?

ECPI Heartwalk

2011-09-21T14:19:00.002-04:00

Ellie and I participated in Charleston's "Heartwalk" this past weekend along with my coworkers. We had a lot of fun and there were close to five thousand participants this year. Here are some fun pictures that were taken. We had a fun group!

Genealogy? Me??

2011-09-15T09:49:00.004-04:00

I have caught the bug. Seriously. I never thought I would be interested in family history. It isn't because I don't know how important it is. I have always known, but my parents were always doing it and I was a little jealous that all that time was being poured into (gasp) "dead people" instead of ME (their very dramatic and overly-sensitive little angel-girl!). Seriously. I was jealous of the time they spent doing family-history work! As I got old enough to get over that (~17 or so), I felt like they had already done all there was to do. Or that was the excuse I made. I have kept that excuse like a security blanket in the back of my mind.

Recently, however, there has been a change in my heart. I don't know where it stems from, but I cannot stop thinking about my ancestors! I spend hours poring over my genealogical lines and have been doodling family groups all over my scratch paper at work! It's soooooo cool! I love to read the biographies of my ancestors...particularly those who converted to the church. Their testimonies and strength give me such incentive to stay faithful. Their hardships make my life look like a complete cake-walk! Their accomplishments motivate me to do more. I don't really know if I will ever contribute to my own family history work...I hope I can figure out that part, but I have already been blessed by reading their stories!

Getting big!

2011-09-14T10:53:00.009-04:00

Even though I got a sweet new camera as a surprise gift from my husband, I am having problems uploading photos to my computer so I am still using my cellphone camera for the shots in this post.
This school-year has started out VERY WELL for both Ellie and I!!! We committed before her 1st day to have a "daily debriefing" before homework and chores every afternoon and it has been a great success. All we do is grab a snack together and sit on the back porch away from everyone else and she tells me about her day...and occasionally I tell her about mine. Hers are generally MUCH more interesting than mine. I LOVE this time with her and she seems to love it too! This year she is taking piano at school instead of playing flute in the band and she really loves it. They have the technology that allows the teacher to "plug into" any piano in the room and listen to each student individually. Ellie's band background has been very helpful and she is progressing well. I am so proud of my little biscuit!

Here is Walter and Eleanor together. I took about 25 shots and this is the only one that wasn't blurred by their constant motion. Walter is big, but he is definitely still a puppy!! He is a great dog. Very snuggly, sweet, and loyal. His sister is more of a jumper and drooler so I feel like we got the pick of the litter (I am biased, of course). Here is a shot of our fireplace at the new house...ummm....I am not finished decorating...note the lack of window treatments, but I realize that I had no new pictures of our new place on my blog!
My 7th grader! She just seems so much more grown-up this year...and we are all happier because of it! :)

Insufficiency and Faith

2011-08-23T09:44:00.009-04:00

Rachel and I and her twins back at Christmas time.

T gave a great talk on the atonement this past Sunday. It's really had me thinking this week. One of her main points was that many LDS women suffer from feelings of inadequacy and compare themselves to others to the point that they really don't believe they are good enough for the atonement to truly apply to them. This has been one of my greatest struggles as well. I wish we wouldn't compare our weaknesses to the strengths of others!!! We should not get discouraged at our inability to save ourselves...it's a universal truth that we cannot do it! It was part of our Heavenly Father's plan from the very beginning. It is the reason we needed a Savior. To ignore our need for the Savior by attempting to perfect ourselves will only drive a wedge between us and God!

It is simple for me to spout off words of wisdom when listening to the problems of others, but I am incapable of seeing the solutions to my own problems clearly. I remind myself of the cartoon verson of Alice in Wonderland when she said, "I often give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it." I cannot seem to help being emotionally connected to every decision I try to make. I ignore logic. I am plagued by fears that I refuse to give up. My pet fears. For example, I have a completely irrational fear of calling people on the phone.

"Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death." I am not sure who said that, but I believe it. "And if ye believe these things, see that ye do them." (That was King Benjamin in the book of Mosiah) So why is it so hard to do the things that we believe? That would be workings of the father of all lies, Satan himself. He feeds us little lies and half-truths such as "you are lazy" or "you lack self-discipline" or "you aren't as good as s0-and-so" or "you can never change" or "you aren't worth it." And he has plenty of reasons to work against my family right now. For starters, Paul and I are in the process of getting all our paperwork in order so we can be sealed together. For seconders (yes, I made that word up), we are exploring the ever-so-emotionally-draining world of adoption. For thirders (that one, too), we are STILL hashing out a new visitation order with Ellie's dad. Combined with taking a major leap of faith and trying AGAIN to get Paul self-employed, I am in constant need of spiritual nourishment.

The past few months, I have been listening to my Book of Mormon on the I-pod while getting ready for work. It's made a tremendous difference in my days. Yesterday the outlet in my bathroom died so I didn't get to listen to the scriptures(or blowdry my hair, for that matter, but that's a different problem). Anyway, I had a big fight with Paul last night (don't worry, we made up) and I am certain that the two are related (neglecting my scriptures, not my hair)! My point is, what was my point? Oh yeah, I am in constant need of spiritual nourishment! And I cannot save myself. I can't and you can't. We are like small children to our Father in Heaven. And just like children, we try to "do it myself!!". We are commanded to be like a little child, but it is the asking for help and the meekness that we should strive for, not the throwing of tantrums and pouting and whining.

Doing our best really is good enough. And our best doesn't look anything like our neighbor's best. Let's all remember that and allow the Atonement of Christ to bring us peace and joy even in the simple problems of our lives!

Hold your breath and JUMP!!

2011-08-22T10:26:00.002-04:00

So Paul finally quit his job last week to prepare to start his new business in the next couple of weeks. This makes me feel SOOOOOO nervous, but mostly excited for them! J also put in his 2 weeks notice last week. T still hasn't found a job, but we'll figure out how to make it all work. She has been putting in applications like crazy and I know it's just a matter of time!

On Saturday, the boys spent the whole day building a desk and installing recessed lighting in our garage. It's quite the man-cave now. We got a nice air-conditioner in there and T and I put down a big rug and hung some curtains to soften it up a bit. It is going to be really nice when they are all done. I promise to post some pictures soon, but I am having technical difficulties with the software for my NEW CAMERA!! That's right! I got a new camera. Paul bought it on Craig's list. It's a Canon Rebel and he is certain that it will have the power to make my photos look good. I am so excited and have taken lots of pictures, but I didn't install the software right and I am not sure what I did wrong, but it looks like it might be a week or two before I figure it out!

Hope, work, and unexpected blessings!

2011-07-21T11:09:00.004-04:00

It really cracks me up to read through some of my old posts and remember how I felt when I wrote them. So many little things happen over the course of weeks and months that change my way of thinking.
It's a little complicated, but I think (and hope) you can keep up.
We had to move because of our getting a puppy. I was really upset about it. We hadn't found a suitable place and our dog was initially a lot of work. Well, about a week after I posted, we found a house that was just perfect for us. It is on a wooded lot in a quiet cul-de-sac. It has a big old backyard that is perfect for Ellie and the dog. It is just the right size for us and very comfy. The rent was quite reasonable and I just LOVE my new landlady.
I started to get excited.
Our friends, J&T, came to visit from out of state and we showed them our new house. They loved it. They loved it so much that they started thinking about moving to Charleston too. That's not my story to tell, but I mention it because it relates directly to my story. One thing led to another and J, the husband, found a much better job here and we invited him to stay with us so he could start right away. Meanwhile, my sister, who was going to move in with us, experienced an insanely fast whirlwind romance that led her to quit her job and move to Baltimore just after we moved in. Suddenly we had Paul's best friend living with us and my sister was gone. It was an adjustment for me. A tough adjustment. But, I coped.
A few weeks later, J's wife, T, joined him at our house and they started looking for a place of their own.
Then, this past weekend, a little talking about jobs and the future led to a bold decision. Our husbands don't want to stay at their current jobs. They want to create a better future for our families. They want to go into business for themselves. This made me nervous. We tried it before and it didn't work out. I felt doubt. I felt fear. But then...I felt fine with it. I was completely elated about it. I was feeling hope for our financial future for the first time in a long time. Now, I can actually see a light at the end of our paycheck to paycheck, double-income tunnel!
So we are all going to start sacrificing for this hope. We can't just have our husbands quit their jobs, but if T and I continue to work full-time and we all stay living together, we can make it work until they get their business up and running. So...wish us luck!

Oh...and on a sidenote, I am glad I said yes to that puppy after all. What a strange series of events!

Puppy Trials

2011-04-29T14:02:00.006-04:00

We got a dog. My life has ended. Okay...so I have a bit of a flair for the dramatic, but really this puppy has taken over my life! If I could rewind my life about a month, I would have just said "no", but for some reason, I decided to say "yes". The whole "Yes Man" theory is a pile of dogpoo. And I have seen some piles lately...all over my rugs!!

Our friends started it...We met them for a weekend and they had the sister-puppy and she was so cute and sleepy at 7 1/2 weeks old. They started showing us pictures of the siblings and Paul and I started considering it. Ellie's birthday was coming up and she's been BEGGING forever for a puppy (well all kids do that...). We thought it would be great for her to have a companion for the summer. Paul just wanted another boy in the family. blah blah blah.

puppies are expensive

puppies pee all the time...anywhere

puppies have sharp little teeth and claws

puppies cry at night

puppies double in size within 3 weeks

11/12 year-old girls don't like puppy-sitting

puppies don't like baths

puppies like to bark

puppies will always like your husband better than you

But none of those truths are the real problem. The problem is that we didn't check with our Apartment owner 1st. The problem is we made an emotional decision and we had to get him BEFORE someone else took OUR puppy. The problem is we are obviously insane. Our apartment is owned by someone else so even though there are TONS of dogs at our complex, our dog isn't welcome and so it was "Get rid of the dog or move". Simple. We should get rid of the dog, right? Wrong. We just didn't have the heart. Ellie was so excited and Walter was so cute! He was already crate-trained and we just spent $200 on food, toys, etc. So we are moving. Again. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I am whining now. If you don't want to read the next paragraph, I totally understand (of course, if you've made it this far, you probably noticed that this whole post is whining).

My moving...since college (12 years)

1. Christiansburg, VA to Lake Worth, Florida (for a summer job selling pest control)

2. Lake Worth Apt to different Lake Worth Apt...I forget why now...

3. Lake Worth, FL to Bridgewater, VA (to finish college, got sick, didn't finish)

4. Bridgewater, VA to Buena Vista, VA (for ex to finish college, he did)

5. Buena Vista, VA to Roanoke, VA (for job, YAY)

6. Roanoke, VA to Pearisburg, VA (divorce, BOO)

7. Pearisburg, VA to Roanoke, VA (remarriage, YAY)

8. Roanoke, VA to Daleville, VA (divorce, take 2, BOO)

9. Daleville, VA to Buena Vista, VA (back to finish college, finished, YAY)

10. Buena Vista, VA to Lexington, VA (apt. to house, YAY)

11. Lexington, VA to Summerville, SC (job for Paul, YAY!)

So this will be 12 moves in 13 years. Frankly, I am dreading it. We still haven't found a place that meets our requirements. We need a fenced-in yard and we need it to be in Ellie's middle school boundaries...that's easy, but not on our budget! :(

The friends who started it are taking Walter for the next month so we can finish out our lease. I guess they are actual angels-in-disguise. No one can stand disappointing a little girl!!

Just don't talk to me for the next 2 months. I will be grumpy. I hate moving.

This dog better be the coolest pet ever. :)

Monthiversaries

2010-09-16T16:21:00.003-04:00

So today marked one month since I started working again...and also one month since Ellie started middle school. We are both a lot busier and thus, a lot happier! I love working, if only for the sense of security it brings.

Today was a sad one at work. My employer keeps 2 German Shepherd attack dogs in the yard (I am working in the office for a landscape and lawn-care company right now) and today one of them was hit by one of our trucks. I witnessed the last breath before she died. The saddest thing was how the remaining dog cried and moped around afterwards!

It reminded me of how things can change in the twinkling of an eye! I am so grateful for a knowledge that we will all be reunited after this life. I can't imagine not having the comfort that brings me.

This month I started a new visiting teaching route. For you not familiar, this is how the women of my church keep tabs on one another by making monthly visits to a handful of other women in our congregation. The purpose is to fellowship, teach, and serve one another. So far I have visited 4 different sisters. The fascinating thing is how different everyone is from each other. I love getting to know new people and hearing about their experiences. It's like being in someone's real-life blog!! ha ha ha...that's a little joke.

Anyway, I am about 98% sure that I haven't contributed much to their lives (yet), but I think it's made a huge difference in mine. Haven't you ever noticed how much better life feels when you are thinking of someone else for a change? It's the only thing powerful enough to bring me out of the dulldrums!

I have also been interviewing for a job at a small college here in Charleston for the last several weeks and was told yesterday that I was selected for the position...now I am just waiting for them to get approval from the head honchos and I will be switching back into a university setting. I miss interacting with college students so I am excited!

Ellie got a new flute yesterday. She is taking both Chorus and Band at the middle school, but no PE...I thought that was bizarre, but I guess the PE classes were filled up when we registered her. She loves her music and science classes the most.

It is still hot as blazes every day here in Charleston, but the mornings are starting to cool off and I never thought I could appreciate sweater weather so much as I do this year!

Sorry about this post...with my camera broken, it looks like I will be back to weird ramblings for a while!!

Ultimate Frisbee

2010-06-22T10:44:00.002-04:00

On Saturday, the Elder's Quorum had an ultimate frisbee activity...Elle and I tagged along and I captured these cute shots. Later one of the guys left and I got to take his place...it was super fun but then my legs were all kinds of sore Sunday and Monday...I guess I am not used to all that stopping, starting, and changing direction kinds of running! Paul was just happy to start making some new friends.

rainy days and mid-afternoon munchies

2010-06-21T17:05:00.005-04:00

So this has been our weather for the past little while! And I haven't spent much time in the kitchen for the last couple of...YEARS!! so here is what I made...salad,

Spaghetti,

and chocolate chip cookies!!!

mmmmm....yummy

Now maybe I should tackle something a little more complicated?!...Nah!

still cutting hair!

2010-06-21T16:32:00.005-04:00

So Ellie was due for a trim and I was hoping that she would let me try out some of the new techniques that I recently learned. Alas, she was ADAMANT that I cut off only a TINY bit. She wants it all long and no layers. BORING. but it's her hair...

I took off an inch.

She read a book the whole time. Then I gave her braids.

The End.

makeover

2010-06-17T12:55:00.003-04:00

So I gave myself a new haircut this morning. I thought about going short again and looked through one of those "short hair cuts" magazines, but decided to do something a little less drastic. Most of the styles in those magazines are completely unrealistic. They are ridiculous. There were maybe 2 styles in the whole thing that a real person could wear every day. Now, if you know me, you know I hate paying for haircuts because I am never really happy and I feel like it's a big waste of money (thank you, parental unit!). I have been cutting my own hair since high school (before that, my sisters Candi and Rachel did it). Anyway, I got online and watched a bunch of "how-to" videos on putting in long layers and I think it turned out perfectly professional looking. Sorry, I forgot to take "before" pictures this time! I also went a little crazy with the eye-shadow today. It's fun when you don't have to go to work! Can you tell I am getting bored yet??

Running: The good, the bad, and the sweaty!!

2010-06-16T09:46:00.002-04:00

Running at sea level is wonderful...you can go really fast without even getting out of breath!! For at least a year, I have been battling running injuries and FINALLY I can go running pain free!!! It just rocks! It is awesome!! Alas, I haven't found very many good places to run from my house yet. Just big commercial roads which means a lot of concrete sidewalks! grrr...I hate concrete! It's the worst running surface! Luckily, I bought a huge bag of paper cups which I keep filled in the freezer and I have been DILIGENT about massaging my shins, knees, and heels with ice after every run. The benefit of running on main roads is that I refuse to look slow in front of all those strangers and therefore I have been keeping a good pace. Right now, I am running alone every morning, but that is a good thing because I have to get up at the crack of dawn to beat the heat and humidity here. We have had weather in the upper 90's and low 100's since I got here and the humidity is unreal! Another benefit to running at sea level...NO HILLS! That may sound like a negative to some of you hard-core athletes, but to me, it is pure running bliss!

Oh what a difference...

2010-06-15T10:47:00.004-04:00

Above is a picture of our sunroom. I have big plans for it but right now it houses my favorite piece of furniture. My mother somehow acquired this from my Aunt Diane when I was about 5 and I laid claim to it before they moved to Tennessee. I am going to get some flowy curtains and a sisal rug and a wicker settee with fun pillows to soften it up...but not until AFTER I find a new job!!

Below is Ellie's cute bathroom. I just love the cabinet space!!

Here are all Ellie's books at the foot of her bed. I made her get rid of half her collection before we moved, but she still has plenty as you can see. At her 5th grade graduation, she won an award for "insightful comments in reading". They gave each of the kids adjectives that most described them and hers were "bookish and bouncy"! I have to agree. Right now she is reading Anne of Avonlea. It's one of my favorite series.

Here is her new bedroom. All the new stuff we got for her birthday looks even better at our new place!! And I recovered the lamps just before we left. I was going to put a cute print above the bed, but she insisted she have the pictures of Christ and the temple. I love this age! She is growing up, but still holding on to her childhood.

I am pretty excited about our new place. It makes me giggle a little. It is a lot smaller than our old place, but sooooo much nicer! Even though we still have to rent, it is a lot better when you actually like your place!

The kitchen has a great pass-through to the dining room and has a laundry room. We found a washer and dryer set for $160 on Craig's list. SWEEEEET!!!!

This is the master bath and below is the living room and dining room.

Here is Ellie a few weeks ago after I gave her a little makeover...I guess she is trying to have a staring contest with Buster. He is Sam's doggie so we had to leave them both behind and we miss them.

Painful Good-byes! SAD PANTS

2010-06-03T10:51:00.003-04:00

Sam was the Maid of Honor over the weekend at her friend's wedding. Doesn't she just look beautiful? I am so sad that we won't be sharing a house anymore! This past year has been really fun for me. It's so nice to have sisters close by. I am also leaving my super-sweet sister-in-law, Coleen. She has been there for me through A LOT of personal drama (and such a patient listener) and I am really going to miss my brother (Jeremy) and their little boy too!! We had two fun get-togethers recently...and I forgot my camera for both of them! Also, they all help with Ellie and I am so grateful they have been there for her for pretty much her whole life!
My cute little friend, Holly came by to hang out one last time before I move. I try not to get sappy but I really hate leaving her!! She has been my sanity and my cheerleader and she is soooo funny!! Of course, she is moving on too so I would have to say "good-bye" regardless! I will miss her though!! Tomorrow is my last day of work. My boss wants to do a little "send-off" party. That will be thoroughly embarrassing. For some reason, I only like being the center of attention in certain groups...family mostly:) and other times, I find it quite uncomfortable!

The Big Birthday Week!!

2010-05-28T13:15:00.006-04:00

Although I didn't actually get to spend time with these family members this week, I think it is cool that 4 members of our family were born the same week.
On May 26th, my brother-in-law, Evan turned 41 and my neice, Allison, turned 13.
I know these pics are terrible, but I stole them from facebook and they were all I had!!My sister Rachel also turned 36 today and my nephew, Steven, turned 15!! This pic is actually from Rachel's high school graduation...ha ha!!Happy Birthday to you all!!

New Home

2010-05-26T14:14:00.004-04:00

I just got back from a weekend with Paul in Charleston. It was our 2-year anniversary and we spent it "house-hunting". We ended up getting a condo rather than a house, and I am so excited to decorate it! (but SOOOO not excited to go through all our stuff and pack it up) I have been spoiled in our current house because there is a ton of storage space and this new place is probably only 1/2 the size...I have LOTS to get rid of and not nearly the amount of time that I am going to need! YIKES!
Ellie is excited because our new pool looks like this:

Paul is excited because he misses us and has been anxiously awaiting us joining him!

Change is good...except when it's terrifying!

2010-05-18T12:43:00.002-04:00

So if I am being completely honest with myself, I am terrified of this move. I don't mean to sound completely po-dunk, but I have never lived further than 2 hours away from my hometown...EVER!! Not only that, but I have always lived within 5 minutes of I-81. Whatever will I do with no soothing interstate noise to lull me to sleep at night?! And I don't think I have mentioned this before, but MY PARENTS ARE MOVING TOO!! They are going to Tennessee...a completely different state...for those of you who may be even less geographically inclined than me (and I hope, for your sake, that you are not). My little sister, Sam, who has been sharing a house with me for the past year is getting married in only 6 short weeks and she will be moving away too.
All these changes have really got me thinking about life and the meaning of things. Of course, I almost never STOP thinking about the meaning of things, but now my pontificating is slightly more focused. slightly. And what I have concluded is thus...(drum roll, please)...Change is the ESSENCE of life. It is the thing by which I measure time..."Well, after my 2nd divorce, I moved to Daleville", or "When I started dating Paul, I put on 10lbs", etc. It is the thing by which we GROW...Really, I don't need to give you an example of this...it's the ONLY sure thing to shake us out of old habits and motivate us to improve (and sometimes regress, if we fight it). So I am going to stop fearing the change and just embrace it. Maybe I will lose those 10 lbs...

Husbands and housework

2010-05-17T13:03:00.003-04:00

Paul is already working in Charleston, SC and I am still working in Lexington, VA. I miss him. I really miss him, but...I get so much more work done!! Am I the only one who is just unable to get stuff done with my husband around?? I mean, I cook more, I clean more, I go to bed early, I run before work...I even get my "procrastinate pile" worked on (that's my pile of stuff that I have been avoiding for MONTHS). All these things that I have to work so hard to do when he is around and now it feels EASY. Perhaps I am just trying to stay busy so I won't miss him?! I think it's pretty funny! The temptation to blame him for never getting anything done just got a lot worse! Oh, this picture is from our wedding...We are celebrating 2 years this weekend so I am hopefully going down on Friday for a visit.

EMPLOYED!!

2010-05-12T11:28:00.003-04:00

So Paul got the job in Charleston, SC that he's been interviewing for the past 2 weeks. I am so proud of him. He hasn't been able to find a full-time job since moving to Virginia 2 1/2 years ago. He moved here because I was in school and we were engaged. It has been a loooong journey and while I am very grateful that I had a good job, we really wanted to move towards our goal of me being at home with Ellie...So for all of you who were praying for him and I...THANK YOU!!! We are very very sad to be leaving so many good friends AND family members in Virginia! I LOVE Virginia, but I think a new adventure is overdue for me...having a beach won't hurt the transition at all!! Charleston has always been one of Paul's favorite cities and since they have a huge port and he is in the transportation industry, it will be a great fit!

Infertility

2010-05-06T15:24:00.003-04:00

I want a baby...not that it is anything new, but it does seem that I am not alone in my struggle. Why are so many of my friends having such a hard time?

My personal story is that I have always worried about not being able to have children...since I was 16 or so (because of some wording in a blessing that I got). When I first married, we decided not to wait and I am SOOOOOO glad because I got pregnant after only a few months trying. I was 21 and REALLY healthy at that time. After Ellie was born we waited about 6 months to try again so that there would be at least 15 months between them. We tried for 18 months and then we got divorced...not related and looking back I am SO glad I didn't get pregnant at that time since we did get divorced. Well, now Paul and I have been trying for 2 years and I am worried that my window is closing! I wanted a big family and it's hard to accept that I am simply not as young as I used to be!! I was talking to a friend last night who said that a raw vegetable diet worked for someone in our ward...that wigs me out for two reasons.

1. I could never be that disciplined.

2. Then it might be my own fault that I haven't gotten pregnant.

THAT THINKING IS SO MESSED UP!! That is the big problem for me and probably a lot of women...we feel guilt over things that we can't possibly control. Especially LDS women.

Another issue for me is-- how far I should take the fertility treatments? My husband's ex tried everything including invitro but never got pregnant. My sister Rachel went through 8 or so years of treatments and is now pregnant with twin boys. Of course now it was worth the struggle.

A wonderful couple in my ward is going to adopt. Something Paul and I definitely would consider. it's all good and it's all right, but I don't know what I want to do yet. (and it's all expensive, too!)

We have been surviving off my paycheck for a while and I think I have been putting off any kind of action until we can survive only on his...I doubt I could keep working through a pregnancy given my health history.

Anyway, just wanted to pontificate.

Charleston, South Carolina USS Yorktown

2010-04-29T23:48:00.007-04:00

Group shot before the tour.

Ellie, Paul, and I had a mid-week whirlwind trip down to South Carolina for two days.

Paul had a job interview...YAY!! and so we packed our bags and headed down. A 7-hour drive.

We were very excited to have time to get some history in...we did pull Ellie out of school after all!

Ellie is getting better at her camera skills...I am only pretending to know anything about this aircraft carrier...Paul is an expert!

It was totally cool to see how these navy boys lived back in WWII...even the details of their sinks,

clothes (these were for the women),

Here is the chapel!

The top had all the airplanes on it...it's so HUGE!! The view of Charleston was amazing!

We also looked at a small submarine...yikes! it was tight quarters in there!

Here is Ellie outside the submarine. She loved it and said "I don't do claustrophobia"!

Paul looked at the camera!!! He must've been in hog heaven (he is a military history major, after all!!)

Ellie's photo shoot part 2

2010-04-27T11:02:00.003-04:00

So my sister-in-law, Coleen just got a new camera and volunteered to do a photo shoot for Ellie's birthday and I wanted to post some of my favorite shots!! I think they are amazing!
Here is the pose that we see most often at home...her favorite series right now is Fablehaven.

Ellie's photo shoot part 1

2010-04-27T10:52:00.008-04:00

This is Ellie with her cousin, Charlie...he is 18 months old. He is just as sweet as he looks!

The pictures were taken in our hometown, Lexington, VA. It is so beautiful this time of year!

This one is definitely professional looking, but Coleen is just talented!!

I think she looks hilarious here!! She definitely inherited some of my goofiness!!

My absolute favorite shot...What a clever pose!!

Look at those spring colors...I love that her outfit matches the tree and sky perfectly!

Surely there is a poem to write for this picture...

She sure is getting to be grown-up!!

ELLIE IS ELEVEN!!

2010-04-25T18:26:00.004-04:00

so my baby is eleven! boy, do I feel OLD!! I uploaded these pictures in order and now they are backwards...I am too lazy to redo it so let's start from the end...

A new game for her fancy video game system...I don't even know how to turn the thing on!

Blowing out the candles...we made it easy on her (just 2 candles)

Of course Ellie chose German chocolate cake...she and I both LOVE it!!

I insisted on one last picture of Ellie at age 10...the night before the big birthday...

Showing off all her new wares...
Ellie is VERY comfortable at Target...it's my favorite store!

Ellie giving a big smile for the camera!!Ellie's amazing photography skills...typical Paul shot...he refuses to smile for cameras!!

Ellie showing off her new "snap" bracelet at the restaurant!

Ellie's Room

2010-04-13T10:02:00.002-04:00

We decided that we needed to update Ellie's room and since her birthday is coming up, we thought that now would be a good time.
This was a plain wooden chair with a straw seat. Paul painted it and I reupholstered the seat.
We found some cute new bedding at Marshall's and Paul painted her bed and nightstands to match. We got curtains and a rug at wal-mart for pretty cheap.
Finally we bought the cute owl print at Target and painted the wall shelf and little bulletin boards. It is so much cuter now!! She will probably outgrow it in a few years but I am hoping not!

I can't believe my students are leaving me!!

2010-04-12T13:00:00.003-04:00

I work at Southern Virginia University which means that I have lots of company all year and then...BAM, loneliness. This year is particularly sad for me because I have so many runners who have left and are leaving:( Darn Graduation.
Of course, I love all the newer students that ARE returning, but I will really miss the others!
The summertime is sooooo quiet except for when EFY is here...then we host hundreds of high school students who are VERY loud and LOVE to sing in the room across the hall. This gets old, trust me, and unfortunately the talent is very reminiscent of American Idol try-outs. yikes!
So I am trying to do better about posting on my blog. you will be happy to know that I even have a couple of ideas for future posts that involve pictures. Just not today. I have to take the pictures first!
On a completely separate note, many of you know that Paul and I have been looking at jobs in Georgia for the last several months. The plan was that if Paul found work, we would leave. It looks like that window is closing now so we will most likely be staying. That isn't all bad though. I am excited about coaching again this fall and I am also excited that Paul will be back in school here at SVU. I think we will be looking for a new rental in Buena Vista so Ellie will be going to Parry McCluer Middle School this fall. I think she is excited and I am glad I was able to put off middle school for at least one year. When did middle schoolers get so YOUNG???

Shopping at Steinmart

2010-04-09T14:05:00.003-04:00

Recently, we went shopping for a new shirt for Paul. We went to his favorite store, Steinmart.

I took pictures just so that I could compare them all later...Very "Cher" in "Clueless" of me...

This shirt has a Latin phrase "Quod erat demonstratum". I took 3 years of Latin in high school...best guess: that which was demonstrated. I could look it up on google but I just don't care enough!!

Spring...cause it's been 8 months!!

2010-04-08T17:11:00.011-04:00

Ellie and Hannah searched the shed for Eggs. Maura had already been there though!
Paul tries to steal candy from Isaiah..age 3. I am pretty sure he got rejected.
Here is Paul staring at an egg to help the girls...I don't think they caught on!
Maura was the youngest hunter but also the fastest!
Here are the Hart girls on Grandma's deck...they were very thorough.
Maura had to stretch high for this one!
The starbursts were Zai's favorites, but he needed a little help with the wrappers.
He is such a cutie but he told me that "Brothers can't be cute"...I wonder where he heard that!
Ellie scratches her knee mid-run and still looks for eggs.
I hope she spotted one because she looks awfully excited!
Here is her easter basket...it was Paul's first time helping with this so I was excited about that!

Here is Hannah and Ellie. They get along so well. They are 6 months apart and are VERY upset that we don't live closer together.
This was how I entertained Isaiah while the girls all played together...It's pretty much the only way I can get someone to take a picture of me...

So I haven't blogged in forever! I do follow a lot of blogs, I just rarely get around to posting! So here are some recent photos of my family after a fun Easter weekend AND a DUKE win in the NCAA basketball tournament. I really don't know if Paul could have been any happier! I know he was happy because he NEVER looks at the camera when I try to take his picture...maybe now I see why! Ha ha ha...what a goof.
I came home from work on Monday and he had taken down all the normal pictures in the tv room and replaced them with EVERYTHING Duke. It was ridiculous but I couldn't help but laugh at his excitement. I was excited too...mainly because we got golden double stuffed oreos, which are pretty delicious.

OCTOBER!!

2009-10-22T12:26:00.003-04:00

I really love this time of year! It's perfect running weather!

2009-07-09T13:40:00.003-04:00

So here is my faculty shot when I started coaching again in 2007. So young, so naive, and so optimistic!! Lots has changed in 2 years! I graduated (in liberal arts, of all the useful and productive majors available)...that's FYI for Aimee! I got married...again. This time, I am soooooo much happier! My husband GETS me! and that is a challenge for some men. No names mentioned! Also I have a new job in the athletic department of my now Alma Mater, Southern Virginia University. I am the WOMAN. I mean I have an official title, but basically I do all the things that men can't do. Make photocopies, send faxes, figure out invoicing, etc. But I actually love it because of all the POWER I have now. Nothing gets done without just a little help from me. For some reason that makes me feel needed and as a mom, being needed is pretty much what makes us tick. Not that anyone ever admits that...sorry.
So here is a picture of me now that I am happily working and married. Frankly I think the before was a little better, but this is what reaching your goals looks like. I forget why I was in such a hurry!!! Anyway, I really am excited to have a little vacation tomorrow. We are having a Cosgriff family reunion. Just the parents and my siblings and their families. We are going to stay in a big old cabin in Gatlinburg Tennessee. I am really looking forward to some peaceful relaxation. I really do intend on taking lots of pictures. That is never my strong suit, but I am DETERMINED to create some tangible memories this time!! We leave in the morning!!

summer blah blah blah

2009-07-01T12:55:00.002-04:00

I am really annoyed. I agreed that Ellie could go to her Dad's for the summer since he moved out West and BOY do I regret it now! Not just for the typical "I miss her" reason although...I MISS HER!! But also because she won't even CALL me!! And of course his voicemailbox is full and so I can't even leave messages! I asked for his address and he won't even give me that. It's so obnoxious!
anyway, I have decided that I don't like the summer-time. Here's why:
1. I am always worried that I am going to have to put on a swimming suit and I will be too pale and fat.
2. I have no students around to get my mind off my own problems and I miss them!!
3. I have too many plans and not enough time or money to do any of them!
4. Work is boring in the summer and I don't feel productive enough.
5. Did I mention Ellie is gone?

So anyway, that's my whine session! yay!

This past weekend my sister Sam, Paul, and I went to a little party with an old high school friend. We hadn't seen this guy in 14 years!! He's been pretty far away. It was weird though. I didn't have anything in common with him anymore and he had all these other buddies there who wanted to drink and jam by the fire. Not our thing. I don't do either.
It was kinda disappointing.
On the other hand, Paul's friend Joey came along with his wife, Tyla and his parents and we had a lot of fun even though I had to work and didn't get to play with them as much. It was the third weekend in a row we got to see the Waxters (Joey's parents) and that made it that much more fun!!

Pretty soon our family is growing...woah woah woah...I am not pregnant or anything! But Paul's brother, Matthew is coming to live with us now that he is home from his mission. This will be interesting. Maybe he and Sam will help each other to be more social...or maybe they will at least have each other to be antisocial with!! ha ha ha!!

I am excited because this weekend we are going to D.C. and staying with Holly and Ben Burningham...They are SOOOO much fun! and we get to hang out with Derek and Cheryl Maggard a little bit while we are up there. We are going to the temple and to a Nationals game and we're going to watch the fireworks from the Mall!! Woo-hoo! Friday cannot get here soon enough!

Southern Virginia University earns Director's Cup from USCAA

2009-06-29T10:45:00.003-04:00

Here is a picture of me with some of my fellow coaches this summer. We got our picture taken for the SVU blog because we earned points towards winning the director's cup in the USCAA. That's the athletic association for small colleges that we belong to. My cross-country teams were both 2nd at the national meet this year and so we earned the most points for the school.

A few pictures! Miraculously (thanks to Coleen)

2009-06-24T14:48:00.004-04:00

Here's a picture from a couple months ago when Paul and I spent the day up at Appomattox Courthouse. Paul really loves history so he is always wanting to go visit historical sites. He prefers battlefields, so this was a compromise.

Here are some pictures of a recent weekend when Mom and Dad visited us. We went to a place called Goshen and had a nice cookout. My neice, Maddy spent the school year with Mom and Dad. She is 15 now and Ellie is 10 but they get along really well.
Here is Paul, me, Dad, Mom, and Jeremy. We are sitting around doing what we do. nothing.
Sometimes Charlie lets me hold him and doesn't cry immediately...give him time. I make him cranky for some reason.
Look at his face...He's just waiting to burst into tears again!!
This is a nice shot of Ellie holding Charlie. This was at our house later that same day.

2009-06-24T14:39:00.002-04:00

North Carolina

2009-06-23T15:11:00.002-04:00

We got to go to North Carolina the last two weekends. Paul's brother, Matthew (known in our house as "THE FOO" just got home from his 2 year mission in Omaha, Nebraska. Ellie and I were really excited to finally meet him as he is Paul's only brother and left just before Paul and I met. I took some pictures but had a computer gliche and can't get them downloaded. We were really lucky and Paul's old stake president let us stay at his lake house where Ellie and I enjoyed a little swimming. Apparently the McKinney men don't care much for the water!!
This past weekend we went without Ellie because she has gone to spend the summer months with her Dad who recently moved to Arizona. She is excited about it especially because there is a swimming pool across the street from their new house.
Anyway, Paul's friend, Joey and his wife, Tyla were in town and we got to spend a fun two days with them. We hiked up a trail to a waterfall and I almost stepped on a copperhead. I did a little dance when they told me!! Not a happy dance, but rather a scaredy-cat dance.
We got fed a TON of yummy food and visited Paul's home ward. We skipped Sunday School to catch up with old friends. I felt a little guilty except the bishop and stake president were right there skipping with us!! Hopefully I can figure out how to put the pictures up soon!!

Graduation...FINALLY

2009-06-08T14:09:00.004-04:00

When I entered my "last" semester at JMU, I never expected an additional 10 years before I finally got my bachelor's degree, but that is exactly what happened. I found out I was pregnant with Ellie about 3 weeks into the semester and had to take a medical withdrawal. I pass out every time I puke and I puked A LOT. Anyway, we moved so that my ex could finish his school and I didn't go to school again till we divorced. I took a semester of classes at a community college but I didn't really know what I needed to take and then I got remarried and quit again. Finally I enrolled again with an online program, but weeks before it was starting, I found out my husband wanted a divorce and I had to start working full-time (for the first time ever). Two years after that, I was determined to finish that darn degree so I decided to go to Southern Virginia University since it was a small school and my brother lived nearby. 3 semesters and look how happy I am!! That's one of my best friends, Holly. Now my goal is to get Paul finished too!

a post is a post no matter how small

2009-06-08T14:00:00.004-04:00

Blogging is not my forte. Reading other peoples' blogs is definitely more fun. And I am terrible at taking pictures. That's my apology.
Paul and I moved into a new ward and new town recently. It' s only 15 minutes from Buena Vista, but we are really enjoying Lexington. One of the first things we did was plan a party. We invited a few friends and Paul really got excited about hosting "Olympic" events. He handcrafted a ping pong table out of plywood, screws, and green paint. He put up a dart board and he forced us to eat twizzlers faster than our buddies. Look at his crazy clothes!! What a nut-job. I did help though. I ate all the chocolate that went into the candy wrapper medals. I also did an ear-splitting rendition of the star-spangled banner. They let me finish singing the whole song. My family never allows that kind of behavior.

2008-08-17T17:17:00.002-04:00

I have been running my pre-season Cross-country camp this week (and will continue for another week and a half). It's always nerve-wracking to meet the new athletes. First of all, some of them come with parents and I hate meeting parents. I am afraid they might notice what a novice I am. But even more than meeting parents, the worst fear is that some new recruit will be very unlikeable and difficult to get along with. I am pretty accepting, but in the past I have dealt with some REALLY challenging personalities. Thankfully, this year's crop seems totally easy. We did a few cool things even though the weather didn't fully cooperate. Yesterday we went to Panther Falls. Paul came along and was a little disappointed that the "falls" was nothing more than a local swimming hole!! Ha ha ha...gotta love Buena Vista!
Ellie has been with her Dad this month and I have only gotten to speak to her twice in the last 2 weeks!! I miss her! Luckily there are only 2 more weeks till she is home and school starts!! I start before she does, but thank heavens this will be my last semester!!

2008-07-11T14:38:00.002-04:00

I think blogging every six months is almost adequate! no i don't. But I am turning over a new leaf...or at least re-turning the same leaf and trying again. So...I got married May 23rd 2008. It was the world's smallest and most cost-effective wedding ever conceived. We did it at the BV courthouse in front of 6 people...my mom, my daughter, my brother Jer and his wife Coleen, and 2 friends who just happened to get sucked into the "let's go get married this week" excitement...Jonathon and Lyndsey Fox.

work and happiness

2008-01-24T22:00:00.000-05:00

So life just keeps moving along and I am really happy these days. It isn't so much that any great things have happened or that I am finding great joy in any particular thing, but I feel like I am traveling towards my goals and just experiencing joy in the journey!! My fiance, Paul is between jobs. He was able to move up here to Virginia finally, but is still waiting on little things like getting his internet hooked up before he can start working...he's a freight broker and will be working from home. Anyway he is so bored being unable to work that it's driving him crazy!! It makes me think about how lucky I am to be busy. I am always happiest when I am able to feel like I have gotten something done at the end of a day.

6 Months can change your whole world!!

2007-12-20T18:55:00.000-05:00

So in the last 6 months I have moved to a new town, started a new job, finished a semester of college, won a national cross-country championship (as a coach), and met the man of my dreams and become engaged. not necessarily in that order! WOW!! Life is really good now and I find myself getting sappy and feeling all "touched" at the blessings in my life! I do regret that I didn't maintain my blog during my courtship, but sometimes when something is really good, you don't want to curse it by making it too public. My fiance' is named Paul and I met him online in June. We had our first date June 22nd and he drove up to Roanoke from Charlotte, North Carolina. It was at a time when I had determined to give up dating and meeting people online for at least a little while. I was pretty burnt out from the dating scene!! Anyway he is getting ready to make a permanent move to live up here in Virginia and I couldn't be happier!!

Election year

2007-05-08T11:45:00.000-04:00

So there has been a change in my personal polls as to who my favorite boy is. NY boy hasn't done anything wrong, but he has not done much of anything PERIOD. Mortgage boy has been taking me on a total trip, and I like it. He's found out about NY boy and that got under his skin quite a bit. I was like "Dude! if I like him better than you then you won't want to be with me anyway and if I spend time with him, it might just remind me of how much I like you!!" He called me a player! I was totally flattered:)
In all seriousness though, I do find myself edging toward committment with this fellow that I haven't actually met in person. It's crazy, right? Except when you consider that he is SOO easy to talk to and I can argue with him as much as I want without it getting all personal and emotional. I like his fire. Choosing between passion and peace is a little hard for me.

2007-05-03T11:49:00.001-04:00

back from the dead

2007-05-03T11:31:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I haven't blogged in eons!! I am sure that I have left out several entertaining dating stories from the past several months, but suffice it to say that I am still in this horrendous game and I KNOW I will have many more stories to tell. I am currently juggling two long-distance relationships. Both of these guys contacted me on LDS dating websites. The first guy is someone who first contacted me about a year ago. I call him NY boy. It turns out that he was my brother's lab partner at BYU as well as my cousins roommate before my cousin got married last fall. He is a really stable, smart, salt-of-the earth guy. We went out over Christmas twice and again over Easter. His parents are in NC. I scare him. He's never been engaged, much less married, much less twice-divorced with a child. He is one of 10 kids in a great, humble, family. If he wanted to marry me, I would make it happen. He would be a perfect husband.
The other guy has been talking to me on the phone for 3 weeks and totally swept me off my feet. He's intense and somewhat egotistical. He scares ME a little. I will call him Mortgage Boy because he owns a mortgage company out in Utah. He has four kids and his divorce isn't quite final from his first marriage. He is very romantic and very forward and rushing towards marriage talk like there is no tomorrow. I haven't even met the guy. They are both financially secure and firm in their religious convictions, but otherwise they are polar opposites in everyway. Mortgage boy would be fun to have as a boyfriend and I am certain it would be a fiery and passionate relationship, but NY boy would be peaceful, secure and comfortable. That seems better to me for a long-term thing. He isn't as immediately attractive, but he is pleasant looking and isn't so into my looks as Mortgage boy seems to be. The plan is that I will fly out there in 2 weeks and then I am headed to NY in 3 weeks. Meanwhile Golf and I still talk all the time. We are best friends and we talk about all our dating adventures together!!

work is hard sometimes

2006-12-19T10:14:00.000-05:00

Some days you really want to say "Take this job and shove it" only because you are so overworked and underpaid. I really should be thankful to have such a good job. I am lucky to be here and lucky to have great benefits and lucky to work with good people and lucky to work great hours. Ok, I feel better.
This morning in my seminary class we were studying the commandment to keep records and so I shared some things from my middle and high school journals with the students. Apparently it was much too interesting for them because the rest of the lesson was shot. I have never seen them so interested in reading. Why is it that they can "feast" on my silly words just to find a little dirt on me, but they don't have "time" to study the scriptures...which are essentially journals! Ah me.
Well, I have been having a fun time with a long distance flirt named Justin. I can use his name since he lives way out west. Justin is one of Sam's friends. They worked together for a while. He is all good...except for the whole "Never will meet him because he lives too far away" thing. But he tells me I am beautiful and I really want to believe him. Girls are girls and we never truly let go of our fairy tale dreams.

2006-12-16T14:30:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time since I have been on a date. I went on one over Thanksgiving...well technically I went on two dates with the same guy. I will call him Baltimore. He was very nice and very mormon and a divorcee with 2 little girls. His girls were SOOOOO cute. He wasn't much to look at though. He was alright, but he lives up in Buffalo (I was up there visiting family). I wasn't attracted to him at all. Not intellectually or physically. Since then I have pretty much just hung out with Golf..as friends and just fantasized that maybe we'll get back together. How lame am I? I have decided that I need to take some serious action if I expect to ever find an appropriate man. My plan is to move away to Arizona in the summer. I have a couple aunts and my grandmother and a bunch of cousins and two best friends there. There are 2 things that need to happen for me to go. First I have to get permission from Ellie's dad to move her out of the state and second I need to find a job that pays enough to cover the cost of living out there. Yesterday I asked my boss to promote me from a regular secretary to a legal secretary. It was terrifying, but I have been wanting to ask for months and I figured that since yesterday was my 1 year anniversary of working for him, it would be as good a time as any. He will have to talk to the county administrator about it. The county administrator is a friend of mine, but that is no guarantee that he'll approve it. Today I got a lot of shopping done. My goal is to finish it in time to actually enjoy the rest of the Christmas season. I am excited to have Ellie this year. I also invited a good friend to join us on Christmas morning so that will make it even better. Today is the ex's birthday. I forgot all about it until I was talking to him and he mentioned it!! My friend is having her 6th baby today too!! What an amazing family they have!! Sorry this is so disjointed. I am just not focused on any one thought today. Tonight for a ward activity we are watching "Cars" on blankets in the gym at the church. woo-hoo. It's be fun just because I have the night off from being a mommy. Give a kiss to your mother.

A New Date

2006-11-20T09:03:00.000-05:00

I went on a first date this weekend. I did the inviting and it turned out quite well. He's a 22 year old cutie from Lynchburg. The only problem with him is that he's planning to go on a mission so he'll only be around for a couple of months. I discovered a new favorite restaurant called Tokyo here in Roanoke. Their Sushi is amazing and it had a quiet and classy feel. It was a very nice dinner. We planned to attend a little mormon dance afterwards, but were disappointed to find that the sound equipment didn't make it and there was a group playing pictionary at the church instead. We tried to save the night with satellite stereo from a truck in the parking lot, but with only 7 people and freezing weather, we had to throw in the towel before 10pm. We had a nice phone conversation on my drive home and overall I think it was good for me. Maybe I will get a second date out of it, but I am not holding my breath.

More Childhood Memories

2006-11-16T10:07:00.000-05:00

My Mom said I was a real monkey as a small child. We had a piano and apparently I liked to climb to the top of it…it was one of the tall pianos. I also learned how to go across the monkey bars quite young and I still remember sitting on the top of them. They were wooden monkey bars and I was upset that we couldn’t take them with us when we moved to Christiansburg while I was in Kindergarten. I was a very happy child. I loved playing outside and playing with other children. I enjoyed drawing and had quite a talent for it. I was constantly singing songs that I would make up on the spot and my parents say I have always been the most affectionate of all their children. I was also the girliest girl in my family. I loved playing with Barbies and talking about boys. My brother spotted me kissing a little boy on the cheek on the school bus. I still catch grief about that. I believed in romantic fairy tales and happily ever after. My dream was to get married and raise bunches of kids. Somewhere in between all the diapers and homework, I was also anticipating romantic moonlit walks after glorious masquerade balls.

My siblings were ruthless in their incessant teasing about what a sissy I was. It was not cool to be girly in my family despite the ratio of 5 girls to 2 boys. In hindsight, it was quite odd. My mother is not the Barbie type. She didn’t like to dress up and she didn’t wear much make-up or style her hair. She was a little bit granola and I became aware of her fashion faux-pas by the ripe old age of four. The eighties were all about clothes and we were a hand-me-down family. We used to get large garbage bags full of clothing from families in our church. It was like shopping to us since we never went to a store to buy anything new. I always hoped that there would be something fabulous to fit me, but generally we just wore what we could. I am still grateful for a few friends who were bigger than me and had a little style!

I have a vivid recollection of being in the third grade and going into the restroom. While I was in the stall, some other girls from my class came in and one girl was making fun of another girl because her socks didn’t match her outfit. I was painfully aware that I didn’t have the right clothes. You would think that girl would have grown up to be all snobby, but now she is one of the nicest people I know. It affects the way I feel about dressing my own daughter for school. I don’t want her to feel ashamed of the way she dresses like I did.

I tried to hide the way I really felt inside all through elementary school. I pretended to hate boys and for years I wouldn’t wear a dress or skirt to anything other than church. I was athletic and a fast runner and very competitive. I was also a good gymnast. My dad seemed to be impressed by athletic endeavors and so all of us kids tried to excel in sports. My mom was impressed by intellectual or creative endeavors and so we all took art pretty seriously. I was a bookworm. I loved reading and got lost in many a good book. I also enjoy bike riding along the street and saving my pennies to buy candy from the gas station at the end of our street. We lived in an excellent neighborhood with lots of other kids. It had a ballfield and a creek just through the woods in front of our house. I was protected from pretty much everything and my parents taught me independence and good values from the cradle on up.

childhood memories

2006-11-15T12:09:00.000-05:00

I am in no mood to blog right now. I have been sealing up all my ramblings as of late. If I were to write what I am really thinking and feeling then everyone would start throwing tomatoes at me like a really bad comedy act. So instead of writing anything about what is going on now, I thought I would take a little trip down memory lane and blog about some of my childhood experiences. My earliest memories took place in Blacksburg VA at 102 Orchard View Lane. That is where my family lived when I was born. I was the 6th child but my first memory is the birth of the 7th when I was just over 2 years old. My mother was and is quite eccentric about certain things and she preferred to give birth to her children at home. It was 1979 and Blacksburg was no where near as liberal as California so even though she had her 4th child at home, my brother Jeremy and I were hospital babies. Sam was born at home. She was very purple when she was born and I remember that I left one of my dollies under my mom's bed but wasn't allowed to go and get her for a while. I recall the house being very dark and I have no idea what the actual layout of the house was because we moved out of it when I was only 5. I remember two bathrooms and lots of daddy-long leg spiders in one of them. I remember sharing the "playroom" with 4 other siblings and sleeping on these cool beds my dad made us from 2x4's. They were nestling beds with Sam's being the smallest and Casey's being the largest. When morning came they could all be pushed together. They probably weren't very comfortable. I think they just had slats on top that we laid foam padding over that could be rolled up and stowed away during the day. The playroom had a cupboard and each child had one shelf where we kept our toys. We were very poor in those days, but I had no idea and I was extremely happy and content. I had lots of playmates and we had a swingset with monkey bars and a very cool playhouse in the backyard. We also kept goats and chickens and that is where we got our milk and eggs. My mom baked her own bread. It was very hard and dark. She must've been so exhausted all the time. There are only 10 years between the oldest and the youngest child. My oldest sister was going on 8 years old when I was born. That's my daughter's age now. Very high maintainance. I can't imagine 5 more younger than her. My dad walked to VaTech from our house and we had a big white Volkswagon bus/van. It didn't have seatbelts or carpet in it. It was pretty torn up by the time we got rid of it some 15 years later!!

Give a kiss to your mother!!

2006-11-14T11:34:00.000-05:00

I am back on the prowl, my friends!! Seriously. I am feeling good today. Yesterday I forced myself to e-flirt with this adorable boy who is way too young for me and I was shocked when he flirted back. That’s a “you go, girl!!” for me! I mean, he is getting ready to go on a mission so that’s totally just for fun. I also got this random message from my sister’s friend. He’s a nice Mormon boy who lives out west and is SERIOUSLY considering moving here of all places. Apparently he is interested in me because of my very cool younger sister. But I will take it. I told him that if he moved into our singles ward that I would having first dibs on dating him and he said that was a given! Ha ha ha ha…he’s probably a freak or weirdo, but it’s good for my ever-lovin’ ego just the same. My mother would advise me to cultivate friendships and not worry about finding love. My mother rocks!
Speaking of following good advice, I finally did. I told Golf that we couldn't be "just friends" for at least a month and we agreed not to talk on the phone, e-mail, text, or hang out for at least a month. It was really hard to do, but I felt so much better about myself afterwards. I regained my mojo.

I hate good advice!!

2006-11-13T11:06:00.000-05:00

Seriously, I get good advice from people who love me and I just can't seem to follow it. Why am I so freakin masochistic anyway?! I wish I could take good advice. I just read a great quote that I am totally guilty of "“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”.
OK. I totally do that. Especially with Golf. What's my problem? Some times I think I am there. I mean, I had a great day yesterday. I was really on a spiritual high. Church was soooooooooo good. I was feeling completely fine. But today, not so much. "Rainy days and Mondays always bring me down".
I guess that is the problem. Or the fact that Golf just told me he may have other lunch plans with someone else. Ooh, that really burns me up. Did I mention that I am not nice!? I get mad about stuff like that. OK, technically I get hurt and then I get mad, but we don't have to talk about the getting hurt part because that is a given these days.
Yesterday my dad told me he was proud of the way I am living my life. That rocks!! I needed it too. But of course I still wonder how much of the chaos is my own fault. Like when I read that quote and saw myself. I need to take good advice. I want to take good advice. Mainly it just makes me feel guilty that I don't take the good advice. Sheesh. Seriously though, hearing the same good advice does keep it in my brain and eventually I have to follow it!! So keep it coming.
Just be patient with me. I am trying to be nicer...to myself, I mean!

raise your hand if you care!

2006-11-10T15:39:00.000-05:00

OK, I have to whine. First, the rich attorney never even called so that's the first blow to my mojo. And second, Golf is now officially dating the 18 year old he dumped me for AND he still calls me as frequently as when we were dating. Am I asexual or something now? apparently yes. Golf texted me at work right after we had a nice lunch at the park and he was like, "I feel like I should tell you something" and then he tells me that he and the 18 year old are dating now and he thought I should know. Perhaps because I have been throwing myself at him verbally all week? Anyhoo, I got this weird feeling in my gut. Like someone had physically punched me in my stomach. I have to say, it bugs me a lot more because the girl is WAY nicer than me. Way nicer, do you see? I can't possibly be mad at her and I love him way too much to be mad at him so who do you suppose I am mad at? why, me, of course. I am such a sucker.
Ok enough whining. I am gonna have fun this weekend and somehow, someway find someone else worth flirting with!!!

Discovering the MOJO!!

2006-11-09T12:10:00.000-05:00

I am currently waiting for a phone call from some guy who I don't remember meeting. Here's what happened: I was working and an attorney that I know called and before I passed him on to the other attorney he said he had a personal question. He said he has a friend who is also an attorney that works out of a different county and he wanted to go out with me if I was single. That is a total ego booster right there. Well I found out a few more details about the guy...his name and he's supposedly very successful financially, but I still have no clue what he is like. I asked my ex if he knew him because apparently he's got some downtown Roanoke connection and the ex said he's a nice guy but I probably wouldn't be attracted to him...well? Anyway so now he's supposed to call me at work to set up a lunch date. I am very curious to meet him...again apparently (how terrifying are first dates?) Should I go, should I not? what's the advice?

suggestions anyone?

2006-11-07T22:44:00.000-05:00

Some days you just look at yourself and you are totally disgusted with your behavior. Most days though, you look at others and are totally disgusted with their behavior. Can we say projection? I was looking at someone else in a relationship and thinking, "wow, she was so much cooler when she wasn't dating him" and then I realized that I do that thing too. That thing where you are suddenly so overcome by your relationship that you lose your coolness and it kills the relationship. Yeah, that thing. So how does one fix this sort of a problem? Seriously, I have no idea. I could use a little guidance. Has anyone else been that person and overcome it? I need to know because I really can't spare any of my coolness. I barely have enough to survive as it is and that is getting worse as I get older. I don't even speak the same language as a lot of high-schoolers these days. Really.
I like myself when I am single better than I like myself when I am in a relationship. Maybe I just need to NEVER be in a relationship again. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I kill me. I just have to not realize that I am in a relationship. Nothing to lose, you know? Help!!

where have all the flowers gone?

2006-11-04T22:39:00.000-05:00

It's a seriously dumb question, right? I mean it's November and it's not even 30 degrees out there. The flowers will be back in the springtime. I was in a grumpy funk all day but no more. I refuse to pout one more day. I am thinking of planning some awesome, good-timing fun days. What I need to do is meet some new hotties. Preferrably mature mormon men, but I would settle for some simple flirting too at this juncture. My sister Candi thinks I need to move out of state. Like to Arizona or New York where I have family and could get a better job. Seriously, I am considering it. I don't think there is anything worthwhile keeping me here. No offense intended to any of my seriously wonderful, kind, amazing, and very good-looking friends intended, but I am OLD and I am POOR and I am LONELY. HERGOKULOOGIMAS!! I need to do something. There really must be something better out there for this crazy chica!!!

maturity and letting go...

2006-11-04T08:38:00.000-05:00

I read this book about the trials of adolescent girls. I am a pyschology buff so I found it incredibly interesting but totally depressing. It's called Reviving Ophelia. It has this great definition of maturity that I like to read from time to time. I found this on page 256.
"Maturity involves:
-Being honest and true to oneself.
-Making decisions based on a conscious internal process.
-assuming responsibility for one's decisions.
-having healthy relationships with others.
-developing one's own true gifts.
-thinking about one's environment and deciding what one will and won't accept."
I know I still have a long way to go. I definitely am not developing any of my true gifts these days. In fact, I have been wasting my time all week watching "Grey's Anatomy". Benjamin Franklin was quoted in one episode. "Never put off till tomorrow that which you can do today".
That's maturity too. Growing up is awful, but not growing up is so much worse. I like who I am for probably the first time in my life. I am not depressed or in denial or looking for shortcuts to happiness. I am going to be just fine, if I can just get through the rest of this horrendously sad week.

What's the deal?

2006-11-01T08:05:00.000-05:00

I took Ellie trick-or-treating yesterday. She has pink-eye and couldn't be around other kids so she missed all the fun at school and the church party, but I still took her around Golf's neighborhood for some candy. It was fun. The weather was nice. The neighborhood was friendly and she got lots of candy and we only went on two streets. It lifts my spirits to hang out in child-friendly suburbia for a little while. I like seeing that there are so many good families having kids and enjoying their families. It also depresses the heck out of me. I used to be one of these suburban moms with my nice house and my cluster of friends in the neighborhood...and now I am this poor single mom in a basement apartment. And why is this my lot in life? I should be asking why not. Why not me. I don't enjoy my current situation. I don't like being a single mom and I definitely don't like being on the bottom of the social status ladder because of it. The reality is that divorce causes poverty. I was an honor student in a good college, but because of my personal life, I am now stuck in loser-ville. But despite all this, I have to say that I am still happy (most of the time) and I know things will only get better for me...although they could get worse first!!! Anyway. Divorce sucks.

break-ups and trust issues

2006-10-30T11:15:00.000-05:00

We’ve all been known to use the ‘let someone down easy’ break-up lines. Sometimes we even convince ourselves that they are true. “It’s not you, it’s me” or “I don’t know what I want right now and that’s not fair to you” or heaven help us all, “you’ll find someone that’s better for you”. I am a little bitter today. I am old and bitter. I feel like, so last-season!! Seriously. I would like a little more honesty. How about, “You are boring to me now” or “Other women are just more interesting to me”, or “I need a little more drama in my life”!! That I would believe because that is the truth. I don’t like dating. It is just uncomfortable. Marriage is so much better. And I have had the crappiest of marriages so I should know. First dates are awkward. It takes a really long time to get comfortable with someone and then you realize that the person isn’t at all what you had hoped for. Almost every date you go on will end with a sad or unpleasant break-up and the only thing you’ll have to show for it will be wasted time and more disappointment. And it’s always embarrassing to admit that you were wrong about someone. Again. I understand people who give up on dating altogether. I know I won’t be that person. I like men and flirting way too much. But the truth is, I lack faith. I doubt that I will find someone I like better. I doubt I will be as comfortable with someone else. I doubt I will find someone who challenges me intellectually and I really doubt I will find someone my daughter likes half so much. It’s easier for me to have faith in God when it doesn’t involve trusting other people as well.

making the rounds

2006-10-29T20:05:00.000-05:00

So I got dumped today. Not totally dumped, more like put on the back burner. But emotionally, it's all the same thing. The person who I love doesn't love me the same way. It's just this sort of thing that made me give up crying in the first place and it gives me such a headache to hold back all these tears. Feeling the pain is what makes us special. It is a refiner's fire. I don't like it, but I trust that I will be ok.
The really sucky thing is that I absolutely can't give Golf up as a friend. He's been my best friend much longer than we dated. I appreciate his honesty. My ego is pretty messed up though. Call me sensitive, but I don't like rejection much.

Musings on life and marriage

2006-10-26T09:21:00.000-04:00

My dad told me recently that life isn’t really made of hills and valleys, but is more like the two rails of a railroad track. The one rail is our trials and the other rail is our blessings. There is never a time in our lives where we don’t have both rails beneath us. I have been thinking about this regarding marriage lately. That’s only natural since I am goo-goo-crazy in love these days.
What are the motivations for getting married verses staying single? I should know this one, right? I should be an expert on relationships (no one believes that, I hope). The truth is, I only know my own experiences and I can only view my new experiences through the lens of my past. People name all sorts of trials in marriage; financial problems, sexual problems, personality conflicts, religious conflicts, health problems, child issues, and so on. I have experienced all of those things. The way I see it, those are just day-to-day issues we must all deal with at some point. I think one must consider what their expectations are in marriage. If you expect that joining up with your love will be the end of all of your trials, then you will surely be disappointed. If, on the other hand, you see your spouse as someone who needs your support get through THEIR trials and who can in turn keep you company through yours, then you can expect to be satisfied with the marriage. You should treat your spouse like you would treat your best friend. The relationship should be thought of like any other family relationship. Permanent, no matter what the other person does. And last but not least, our happiness is our own responsibility. My dad gave me a quote by Samuel Johnson, “He who has so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition will waste his life in fruitless efforts.”
Boom. That is simple enough.

Going Red

2006-10-23T11:10:00.000-04:00

Golf and I had a great weekend camping up on Skyline Drive. It was so beautiful. I really need to get a digital camera. We took a few pictures with my disposable camera, but it'll be weeks before those get developed. I let him dye my hair last night. It's one of these temporary dyes, but I might go permanent. It's fun to change colors once in a while. I have to say that I was worried since I let S pick the color on Golf's instructions. Next time we're dying Golf's hair and I get to pick the color! So I thought that spending so much time with Golf would be a little dangerous. I thought we would get on each other's nerves a little bit, but he is just so funny and good to me that I am more smitten now than ever. It bodes very well for us.
I only wish that my daughter could have been there with us. There were 6 or 8 kids there with our group and she would've had a blast. The only trouble with the trip was the temperature. It was freezing cold and we were not adequately prepared for sleeping. I am going to invest in a good air mattress and a 20degree sleeping bag for next time. I probably only got 4 hours of total sleep both nights combined. I am surprised that I am even functional now!!

And the new facts are...

2006-10-18T19:55:00.000-04:00

OK, so now I am posting in real time after a delayed posting that I forgot I had written. This Sunday will actually mark my first monthiversary with Golf. We defined our relationship as exclusive, but I am still insecure about it 25% of the time. I suppose this stems from my being burned so badly in my last relationship. This weekend is a big step for me. I am going on a weekend campout with Golf and his mother and a bunch of her friends and family. I am super excited about it. And I am nervous to the point of nausea but don't tell him I said that.
Meeting mothers is tough business. Mothers can be entirely awesome, but it's always a bit of a gamble. I have had two past mother-in-laws. When it comes down to it, I ended up liking them better than their sons. They were awesome women and they had a common flaw...they spoiled their sons rotten and raised them into complete ego-maniacs. I don't really know if it was their fault though. My daughter can be somewhat of an ego-maniac too. I swear she was born that way.
Dating is weird. I love it, but it also makes me feel half-insane. I am not getting nearly as much sleep as I need. I only feel truly happy when he is around, and I pretty much have lost interest in all other activities. It seems more like I am bi-polar than in love. Plus I know how annoying it must be to all those who have to be around us. Smooching and giggling like middle-schoolers even though we're old. It's certain to be distasteful to 87.983% of the population. I will have to get a picture of us together for my old blog-site.

Relationship Status

2006-09-29T13:05:00.000-04:00

Well It's been 10 days since I last blogged. I now have a new relationship status to report. That means I changed my facebook and myspace profiles from "single" to "in a relationship". My my. What a big step that was. Of course I haven't technically done the DTR (Define the relationship) talk so I don't know exactly what to call this new relationship. It is a friendship that took one little step forward. That is all for now. It was Golf. We've been good friends since the beginning of summer.
There is nothing scarier than deciding to date a friend. It's especially scary when he's become your best friend. On the other hand, you can trust a friend to be honest with you and your expectations are a lot more realistic.

My new poem about the ex

2006-09-19T11:17:00.000-04:00

I’ve made a friend of a lover after all this time has passed.
Someone who truly knows me, who can always make me laugh.
The passion we once felt has mellowed to a warm, delicious glow;
Embers left to give light and heat, despite bitter cold or snow
The dangerous flame with its reckless abandon and unpredictable wrath,
Replaced now by something soothing and comfortable in its path
When our love died down and simmered into something we could trust,
Was it lessened somehow by its newfound freedom from our lust?
Rather, it’s awakened and strengthened, somehow made whole and new,
And a heart that once was broken now seems more fresh and true.
My heart, she cried for mercy and begged to be devoured in the flame;
But now she rejoices in the eternal embers left to melt down all the pain.

ffffffft.

2006-09-16T23:45:00.000-04:00

I discovered myspace this week. I am now a junkie. I have no time for this new addiction and of course I had to do a little blogging there, so this blog has suffered. I can't write on there like I do on this blog though so no worries. I am certain that I will still use this one to confess all my idiot dating behavior. I didn't go on any dates this week. Unless you consider meeting Golf at the park and brown-bagging it a date. I don't because it was neither planned, nor paid for. It was paired off though so it met one requirement. And technically it was planned. And it's not like I had to pay for myself. I invited Golf to join me for dinner with Sam and Jeremy and Coleen (the sister, brother, and sister-in-law), but I bought the food so that can't be considered a date either. Plus I had my daughter with me so it was more of a family gathering with a friend.
Golf had a golf tournament in Richmond this weekend and I have had several church meetings to attend so it's been a quiet weekend. One never knows, I could just get all crazy on Sunday. I need to go to bed right now. I love pie.

2006-09-14T14:46:00.000-04:00

reruns from happy days are even better than original happy days

2006-09-14T13:51:00.000-04:00

Sam and I have been doing a lot of evening walks lately. First I put my daughter to bed, and then we head up the mountain behind our neighborhood. Last night it was raining, but we went anyway and some guy stopped us to tell us to look out for a bear that had been spotted wandering that neighborhood last week. It scared me, but Sam has lots of ranger experience so I wasn't quite as terrified as I would've been if I were alone. When Sam came home from her mission and we both ended up living at home (during my separation from my daughter's father) we started going for walks everyday. We both have very pleasant memories from that time and so walking together again is really great. The exercise doesn't hurt either.
For some reason, the conversation is better when your body is occupied with something else. We both need sympathetic sounding boards for all our woes. We also have been doing a lot of myspace searching for old friends lately. I have a hard time getting off the computer to get to bed on time. I am just hoping the novelty will wear off soon so that I can get some zzzzzzz's.

the good the bad and the early morning

2006-09-13T13:43:00.000-04:00

I tell everything about my life so that I don't feel bad for sharing the good along with the bad. Everyone knows both sides. Perhaps people will relate to me better because they have the same types of experiences as me. The wrestling with one's self, if you will. Yesterday I did something good. I opted to go out with S and Golf instead of the ex. Yay me!! And I felt pretty awesome about that. The ex called me twice at work and wondered if I would take him clothes shopping. I was willing, but he didn't really make time to do it when I was available so I went ahead and made other plans. He called again when I was out with them and I told him that it was too late. I may be falling for Golf though. He would kill me for saying so since he's convinced that we should just be friends. And we are friends. But really, when you have such a good guy friend and you aren't dating anyone else and you find him attractive, it's only natural to entertain such ideas. It's not a good time though, so I am as adamant about doing nothing about it as he is. mostly.
A funny thing happened this morning. I woke up to the sound of a man's voice in my apartment. I looked at the clock and found that I had overslept by approximately one hour and 45minutes! My class was already inside (the man's voice was actually a 16-year old) ...apparently I didn't lock the door last night! Ellie's bus had already come and I had to be at work in an hour. Needless to say, it was a bit of a stressful morning. Ellie was only a few minutes late to school and I was 20 minutes late to work and the seminary class just had to do scripture mastery work on their own. They were very understanding that I had to get ready for work while they were there. Good times, S, good times. It turned out that although I checked my alarm to be sure it was set for the right time, I forgot to turn it on!
Today is my dad's 67th birthday. He doesn't seem like he can be that old!! I am hoping they spoil him good in Tokyo!

No privacy and no secrets

2006-09-12T10:40:00.000-04:00

There is a part of me that wonders if it is such a good idea to be so very open with myself. I am sure that there is a good reason that most people play games in dating. It is a way to avoid pain and embarrassment, but I wonder if it also works so far as getting oneself in the relationships that one wants. I can't do it. I have a big mouth and cannot keep my own secrets. I have no problem with other peoples, but I just blurt my own like they are everybody's business. I used to think that somehow made me more honest than people who choose not to share, but I realize it just makes me appear even dumber than I really am. People are accustomed to a certain amount of holding back and I just don't do it. Really, I am frustrated with myself. I don't know if I am gonna change though. It's too funny to not include my idiot behavior on the blog. I am sure that is why other people talk about hobbies and art and music or anything other than their own behaviors. Not likely to happen for me. One, I am way too bored with hobbies, and two, I don't know enough about any one thing to devote more than one writing to any particular subject. I think human behavior is fascinating. I should write in the third person and use a pseudonym for myself.
Case Study #1: Darcy, female, age 29, twice divorced, one child, female, age 7 from first marriage. Subject is way too sharing of private information. Most likely attributed to lack of attention in her nuclear family which resulted in deep-seated insecurity. Exhibits strange over-exaggerated facial expressions when speaking. Very obnoxiously happy all the time. Can't seem to stop talking to ex-husband #2 even though he totally dissed her and left her up a creek without a paddle. Exhibits sarcasm when speaking to others but can be sensitive at times when others use too much with her. This week the subject called the ex herself to arrange a supposedly innocent date. Everyone who cares a smidge for her is discouraging the maintainance of said relationship, but she seems insensitive to their feelings on the matter.
Poor Darcy. She's such a boob.

pilfered pictures!

2006-09-12T10:36:00.000-04:00

weekend update without Norm Macdonald

2006-09-11T14:31:00.000-04:00

I am hoping to pilfer some photos to post on the blog soon. For now we will just have to patiently read all the ramblings of my mind. I had a momentary lapse of strength and called the ex to do something Friday night. Had it not been the ex, I am sure everyone would have called it a successful date. We went to see "Dirty Dancing" at Elmwood Park. They show it outside and everyone just sits on blankets or brings their own chairs. It is really nice. We enjoyed it. The ex had never even seen "Dirty Dancing" even though it was filmed in the county where he was raised. After the movie we went and got pizza at "Frank's Pizza". His choice. He hadn't had pizza since before we separated. There was no hanky-panky and we enjoyed just going out as friends. So stop being so hard on me, ya'll. I was mostly well-behaved. The movie started at dark and I went home by 11:00. Golf already gave me a hard time. And so did my mother. And my sister. And my brother. And my sister-in-law. I am not telling anyone else. That would just be asking for a hard time.
On Saturday, the sister, S and I went to meet her old friend and a few of his friends. The plan was to go to White Rocks and I was going to leave because I didn't want to spend the night. We got there A LOT later than anticipated. That's why you don't let out-of-towners take the lead when you already know how to get somewhere. There was a guy there that was a bit of a cutie, though. At least I thought so. S totally disagreed. I am glad we have different tastes now. There would be nothing worse than both of us liking the same guy...again. Anyway, S didn't end up wanting to spend the night either so we both left around midnight and drove the hour and a half home. I was exhausted by last night.

Sam's new look!

2006-09-07T14:26:00.000-04:00

So I brought S to work today to introduce her to my coworkers. I felt just like an elementary school student who has her parents eat lunch in the school cafeteria. Fun! I only wished I could take credit for her cool new hair, but she did the cut herself and all I did was the color. It's nice having others to make up so that I can give my own hair a little time to grow out.

I know I am supposed to be giving full accounts of all my dating adventures, but I haven't had a single date in WEEKS!! Thank goodness. It's been the most pleasant hiatus for me. I don't miss it at all. So I am in a total crisis mode about my weekend. I have not a single plan and my daughter and sister are both going out of town. Golf has a golf tournament at Bridgewater College and the ex has invited me to see his band play at Cornerstone. It's ever so much more tempting when I have nothing to do, but seeing as I have no one to accompany me, I am not too worried that I will succumb. I do not like going to bars. I really would be uncomfortable without a close friend. I suppose I will have to actually tackle my boring filing that I have been putting off for months. sigh. It'll be good to get more organized!!

staying up late

2006-09-04T00:51:00.000-04:00

It's almost 1:00 am. I don't know why I haven't gone to bed yet! I just deleted my online dating subscription. I really don't like the way I feel looking at people I don't know and trying to decide who's worth "flirting" with and who isn't. It's not for me. I don't like being checked out that way either. I would rather just find friends now. I am tired of dating. Did I tell you lately how cool Golf is? And Korea is also very cool. The ex is no longer cool. I don't like how I feel about myself when I am with him. That's no longer acceptable to me. Watching my sister go through this separation and possible divorce is teaching me a lot about myself. I don't want her to settle or be miserable and there are people who care about me that way. I simply refuse to ignore their good advice any longer. I don't know why people are so stubborn. And when I say "people", I mean ME! I am hoping for some serious personal growth. ahhhh!!! what did I just say? I didn't mean it. I can't handle serious growth really. I just want an itty bitty amount of growth at a time. I just want it to be a gentle slope towards emotional health. No life changing experiences need apply. I have had enough of those.
This posting is lame. I am boring myself. And getting on my own nerves. I can't believe there are people who might actually read all my ramblings. I love you for it though. It's nice to imagine that you are heard. I love reading other people's blogs!
cha-cha-gigi, I hope you are done with your time off now.

OK, it could be a change in dynamics

2006-09-02T12:45:00.000-04:00

Well my mother was upset with me because I haven't been writing her diligently. I am such a bad daughter. The truth is that I am spreading myself out a little too thin. Starting school up again is hard on me. It'll take a couple weeks to adjust to being the full time teacher, mother, sister, and employee that I am now expected to be. The good news is that I realize I am fully capable of it and I just have to be patient with myself.
So the redneck really ended his chances of being just friends with me this week. I don't like pushy people and expecially don't like someone pushing themselves on me. I like flirting when it's casual but I don't like serious committment talk early on. ick. I had to be a lot more blunt and it felt mean, but the result was good. No more unwanted contact. I guess I need to go into details for those who are unfamiliar with the whole story. He called me to ask if we could still be friends and I said "ok". Then he called the next night and I didn't answer the phone and he left a message about this weekend. The next morning he texted me that he wanted to have lunch. We met at Wendy's and during lunch he wanted to know if the dating option could be left open. I was so uncomfortable and I said "ok" even though I should have said "no". When I got back to work there was another dozen roses and that just pushed me into "freak-out" mode. I ignored them and there was no card, but later that day he texted me again with "hope you're having a floral day". I still did not reply. The next morning he texted with "hope I wasn't too forward yesterday, I just wanted you to know I feel". That's when I went for the blunt reply. I texted back and said "honestly I was very uncomfortable. you put me on the spot. I don't want to be more than friends." And I haven't heard a word since.
I didn't go to the ex's show this week like he wanted me to. He came by the house Wednesday night and it was just hard for me. I planned to go see his show with Golf but then S and Golf talked me out of it and I was protected from what was sure to be an evening of misery. It is nice to have good friends who love you. I am lucky. The ex called me at work the next morning wanting to know what happened to me. I played it cool. I am getting a little annoyed with his lack of compassion for what he's put me through. That could be the best thing that's happened to me in a long time! Annoyance is major with me. It marks the end of a relationship as far as I am concerned. Or at the very least, a change in dynamics.

Hollywood Moment

2006-08-30T14:33:00.000-04:00

Here's E and S at Hollywood's in Roanoke. It's a great little restaurant in Roanoke. Ellie saw a picture of a farmer milking a cow. She looked at it and I said "What do you think of that picture?" She replied "it's a veterinarian and he's getting the cow to pee in a cup, right?" Ha ha ha ha. She's a bit of a city slicker, eh?
It was a fun family gathering. It's way cool having S back in town. I think we are adjusting pretty well to one another. Ellie had a good night last night and a good morning today so maybe the worst is behind me.
I have got to get a good digital camera. These camera phone images are really awful. sorry.

Golf at Lunch

2006-08-29T14:09:00.000-04:00

2006-08-29T11:35:00.000-04:00

Nothing interesting today, I don't know why you are checking

2006-08-29T10:22:00.000-04:00

Dating, as I had known it in the summertime has officially disappeared. It has been replaced with gentle friendships and not-so-gentle temper-tantrums. The friendships are mine and the tantrums are E's. I am hoping that things with her will improve as she adjusts to her new school schedule. This starts a new season for me. Now that S is living with me and E is back at home, I am missing my alone time more than ever. I started teaching early morning seminary again yesterday. I have a really great class with 3 students. I am certain that they will be teaching me much more than I can teach them. Getting up an hour earlier is no big deal, but getting E up at all is always a big deal. She is such a night owl but she gets so grumpy in the mornings.
Yesterday I got a call from Redneck just before seminary started. That's before 7am for those that need specifics. He wanted to talk so I told him I would call him after work. I was glad to speak with him because I had missed him this last week, but I didn't feel like it would be fair to pull the "let's just be friends" line because I know he wants more than that. Anyway, that is exactly what he asked for and I am more than happy to oblige. I do want to follow my mother's advice to cultivate friendships. Today I will eat lunch with Golf. He'll be going to school right nextdoor to the courthouse where I work. It'll be nice to have a little company to go with my PB&J. And poor Korea has been reading my blog. There is no telling what he thinks about all my dating diaries, but he hasn't totally given up on me and so there is still hope for him. I introduced my sister, S to my neighbors last night. It wasn't long before she got her first post-separation dinner invitation. The guy was at least twice her age. It'll be fun to have a commiserating partner. The neighbor who asks me out all the time was supposed to replace me with her, but it didn't take apparently because now he is pressuring her to bring me around more often. It's no wonder I avoided neighborliness all summer. I am going to put in this picture of an officer who came in the office today and made me laugh. Thank goodness for a good sense of humor. I know I need it.

Sister in Virginia

2006-08-26T21:31:00.000-04:00

Look it's S! We picked her up from the airport quite successfully except for one broken flip-flop. Can you see her hairdo? It's short everywhere except in the very front. She is now being sent to her bed for some much needed rest and I am going to bed too!

Saturday morning with a mother and daughter

2006-08-26T11:38:00.000-04:00

It's the start of a brand new day! Those of you who were very upset about yesterday's posting had every right and I apologize for the picture of the ex and the comments that accompanied it. The one who called me on it (you know who you are) motivated me to leave yet another message for him. This basically said "please don't call me anymore, I really meant what I said about not being able to handle being "just friends" and it's not fair for you to ignore my request."
Maybe this time it will take. I am getting ready to go pick up my sister S from the airport in Raleigh. It's a 3 hour drive so Ellie is packing snacks in this picture. She picked out a plain tortilla and some chocolate chips!! She is a sweetie normally. Yesterday just as Golf arrived to watch a movie with us, she threw the most colossally embarrassing fit on the sidewalk in front of all the neighbors and Golf. I was mortified, but that's parenthood.

Mind Battles

2006-08-25T15:44:00.000-04:00

Here's the ex in all his glory. I still think he is beautiful. This picture is from his band website. There are several more on there if you go to code11entertains.com
It's just sad how many times I have looked at that site to see pictures of him since we got separated. I found that the more I fought my feelings, the worse I felt. So now I can see pictures and talk to him without getting as upset about it. There is no way around things like this. You just barrel on through and it hurts but you grow.

2006-08-25T08:58:00.000-04:00

Happy Friday!! I heard "Celebration Song" on my way to work today. I am pumped now to take some phone calls!! Ha ha ha. jobs are jobs. I had such a toasty night last night. I got my baby girl into bed and put my phone on silent mode and caught up on some much needed zzzzz's. I love getting a good night's sleep. Well my little sister is now going through a separation with her husband. I always said I would rather go through it myself than have to see someone I love go through it. I am sure she will handle everything marvelously, but that doesn't mean it will be easy for her or anything. They say that divorce is like experiencing the death of a loved one. I agree. You go through all the stages of grief: anger, denial, acceptance, grief, and whatever else there is over and over in any kind of order. Those that know and love S need to call her often and keep her in your prayers. I got a call from the ex last night. Just checking in and reporting. I am pleased to say that it didn't upset me and I was the one to say that I needed to go. This is progress, ya'll!!

I will probably have Golf over tonight. He wants to watch "Poseidan" with Ellie and I. No problem for me because I totally think Josh Lucas is the hottest leading man! mmmmm...yummy. And Golf has been a great friend ever since I first talked to him. My mother's most recent advice to me is "cultivate friends, you don't need a husband!". And I have been thinking it ever since...I am starting to feel it too!

2006-08-24T13:31:00.000-04:00

The other side of the story

2006-08-24T10:27:00.000-04:00

Well there are those who did feel the need to call me to check on my sanity after the kiss with the ex story. I love those people and it makes me feel good to know that I am not alone with my worries and woes. Now keep in mind that I write what I am feeling exactly at the time I write and I am as fickle as any girl I know. The fact that I experience a feeling one day doesn't indicate that I will continue feeling it. I suppose that is the nature of feelings. They are constantly changing. It is my belief that we can create some feelings based on directed thinking. I mean if I really wanted to feel different about something and I got into certain habits of thinking, then I could truly feel different in time. So I am gonna do a feelings experiment. I want to start with something small. I am not ready to work on the ex yet so I am going to do it with a bit of a neutral acquaintance. I haven't thought of a good person yet. I will have to scope out my options...figure out someone who I just don't like. Police officers are hot. sorry. I had to throw that in. I work with them all the time and I just like them.
I broke up with my redneck. It was hard but I got it over with once I knew it had to be done. I have no current prospects and I kind of like that. My mom said I need to repeat "I don't need a husband" to myself frequently. She must be privy to my theory of thinking and feeling. If I think "I don't need a husband" regularly then I will really feel that way and then I will not be tempted to settle just to be with someone. yay!! when you believe you control your own feelings, it's very empowering. I suggest it as a way of life. you go girl.

no apologies necessary

2006-08-22T11:04:00.000-04:00

Okay, the truth is that I have a hard time writing on my blog when I know certain people will be reading it. I am even considering keeping a private diary instead. This lets me know 2 things about myself. First, I am obviously not proud of all my dealings with men and second, I don't think things have been very funny lately. The only course of action I can take is to be brutally honest and bare my soul for all to see. This will not accomplish anything except for potentially burning some bridges with men who I am not committed to anyway.
So I kissed two guys in two days. The first guy I am gonna have to name Redneck because he is an admitted redneck and while I have known him my whole life and really respect him, I just am not feeling any kind of attraction to him. And the second guy is my ex-husband. Yes, that's what I said. Now don't go all crazy and start calling me. Both kisses were just pecks and they were both pleasant enough but didn't have any kind of deep meaning. The thing that I learned from kissing the ex is that I am not really ready to move on to anyone else seriously at this point. I just haven't the heart. I still have really strong feelings for him. Not that everyone who really knows me didn't already know that, but I just have to say it. I made a seriously hard choice a few weeks ago and told him not to call or visit me anymore because I was trying so hard to get over him. The result of that e-mail was that the ex started calling me more and now I am less over him than I was before. It would stand to reason then that the solution is to ask him to visit me and call me more and then I won't hear from him at all. The problem with that is that it would make me feel like a bigger loser than I already do. I have realized that I need to end the tiny start of a relationship I have with the redneck because I can't feel for him what he deserves a girl to feel for him. I mourn this loss because I just know he would make a fabulous husband to some lucky girl, but it won't be me and that's sad when you don't have any decent prospects left. It's the only option because it is the right and honest thing to do and I can't lead on someone whose family I have known my whole life knowing full well that I am not attracted to the guy. sad sad.
The worst thing is that I really want to kiss the ex again. bad me. sad me.

3 weeks of misery wasted

2006-08-03T12:26:00.000-04:00

I really have NOT been miserable for 3 weeks and that is why I haven't blogged. Of course I am only kidding. I am sorry for the lapse. It's Golf's fault. He is a phone talker. Totally friends only but still wants to keep me up past my bedtime every night. He likes to pick my brain about ridiculous scenarios. "If you were on a date with a guy you really liked and he farted but didn't say anything about it, what would you do?" That kind of a question. He really is funny but apparently all my feminine charms do nothing for him. He likes younger, shorter women with long dark hair. blah blah blah.
I put up with it because he's all I've got these days to occupy my time. Never Untucked finally got the hint...although I did have to put up with him on one more date last week. The YOung ONe has left for college and I miss his attention but am kinda relieved that he has gone. Mr. Korea is still my favorite. He's seemed kinda glum these last few weeks. I think he misses me, but more than likely he is just tired of being in the army. But I think it's me. hee hee. I am always so full of myself.

The follow-up

2006-07-13T11:01:00.000-04:00

I finally heard from Mr. Korea. I wrote him diligently in the past few days so that he'd have no excuse not to write me back. It was really good to hear from him. I didn't realize how badly I missed talking to him until I heard from him again. I called the Young One yesterday and apologized to him about the hand-holding and told him I just wanted to be friends. He really is a sweet guy. I also bit the bullet and talked to Never Untucked. I told him that I just wanted to be friends, but then I realized I don't even want to be friends after he asked me what I was doing next week. Ugh. He bugs.
So I had a really good date on Tuesday night. It's nice to just have fun sometimes. And no one put any moves on anyone so it was even better.
I spoke to my brother J and told him about the funny coincidence with the internet boy who is roommates with my 1st cousin. Turned out J knew he too! They were lab partners at BYU. I was so surprised that I called Internet Boy just to tell him that he knew my brother. In all honesty, I don't think I can be interested in Internet Boy after talking to him twice. He is very very nice. I am not sure that I could be attracted to him though. His voice reminds me of a guy that was in my ward growing up (Will Whittier for those who are interested). I just sound like Elaine from Seinfeld when I come up with reasons like that. I care about chemistry though.

Oh so many stories!

2006-07-11T12:04:00.000-04:00

It has been too long since I have blogged! Dating-land has been calling me! Seriously it was a bit of a wild weekend. I went to another dance in North Carolina. This time we took 8 people and met 4 others down there. That made for bunches of fun. I had a great time but ended up in a bit of a situation. There is a really sweet young guy (The Young One) in my ward who I have flirted with for months. My theory was that since he is only 21 and I am 29 that it would be safe to flirt with him and he wouldn't ask me out. So then 2 weeks ago at church he jokingly proposed to me in front of a bunch of people and so then we jokingly told everyone we were engaged and I thought it was all in fun. Well, I was trying not to dance with any new guys at the dance so I danced with him a lot, and then on the drive back we were the only ones awake...he was driving and I was keeping him awake...anyway I must've crossed some line because we ended up holding hands...yeah, you think that is cute, but I wasn't thrilled about this new development, and didn't know how to properly address it so that I could remedy my mistake...then he asked me out for the next night, and I was totally nice and said "yes", but I should have said "no" because then he held my hand in the movie. I was feeling like a pedophile or something. It upsets me because I really really like him AS A FRIEND and I hate to be insensitive. It is totally my fault too. He asked me out again yesterday but I already had a different date set up so I told him that I couldn't go out with him because I had a date. Hopefully it will be the end of it...I think you all know it won't be though! Things never end so easily. I am really sad because I haven't heard a word from my sweet North Carolina man since he had to leave for Korea. I haven't heard from him since Friday night before the dance.
I was early to the meeting place and was talking to Mr. Korea on the phone when the Young One pulled into the lot. He saw that I was on the phone and left me alone. The Young One is very polite. Unfortunately, the next guy to arrive was this fellow whom I will call Never Untucked because he tucks in his t-shirts and it gets on my nerves. Never Untucked is only 23 but he thinks of himself as being very mature. He is not a bad fellow, and wouldn't get on my nerves if I didn't know he was interested. So before I discovered that he was, I invited Never Untucked to the dance along with pretty much everyone in the ward that I spoke to. For some reason, he asked me if I was inviting him as my date. I obviously was not thinking clearly so I said "sure!" instead of the correct and honest answer of "heck no". I realized this within minutes and so I told Never Untucked that since I didn't think a big group at a dance would be a good date, maybe we could have dinner together sometime instead. He invited me for Sunday dinner with the missionaries. I was happy because I would have others to speak to! Anyway, I have totally gotten off-track. The point is that when he arrived to meet for the dance, he opened the passenger side and got in the car WHILE I WAS STILL ON THE PHONE WITH MR KOREA. I was annoyed so much that I made it a point to not let him sit next to me on the drive down to Raleigh! Unfortunately this is how I ended up sitting with the Young One. Then, at the dance, I danced a lot with the Young One just to avoid dancing with Never Untucked and this other fellow whom I haven't yet mentioned but I will call him Voicemail Reject because he asked me out on voicemail AFTER I DIDN'T return his first call. That story is not so much funny as just mean.
Anyway. whew. I am exhausted.
So I then had church on Sunday where I arrived first...big mistake. Never Untucked came in and sat on my left and then the Young One came and sat on my other left. OK, Never Untucked was on my right. I am directionally challenged, by the way. So it was like they were fighting over who could share their hymnal with me.
Enter ward young guy number 3. I know...it's way too confusing. There is another guy who entered the picture a few weeks ago who knows about Young One and Never Untucked. He is fun to talk to but is also young although a lot less clueless. I will call him Golf.
Golf is not nearly as forward as these other two. I really thought he was trying to make a friend with me as a means of getting to some other girl in the ward, but after calling and talking to me for an hour 4 nights in a row, I clued in that perhaps he was interested in a little more than friendship. I haven't gone out with him as of this blog but have a date this evening. Thank goodness we planned it on Saturday night because Never Untucked and the Young One both asked me out for tonight so it gave me a good reason to say "no".
Meanwhile I am still on the mormon dating website and I have been getting lots of messages which I almost always ignore. For some reason I responded to this guy in NY who asked if he could call me. I gave him my number and it turns out that his roommate is my 1st cousin! Random!
Anyway that is all I have for now. I am worn out just thinking about it. Don't you wish you could be cool like me?! I am such a loser. I really can't believe this week!